english - Mrs. Edith Frank
posted by jennifer on .
I have to write a monologue as if I am Edith Frank, Anne Frank's mother. Could you please check for any grammar mistakes and give me comments about it? Is it too serious?
Just a few days ago, we were delighted at the news Miep brought us: the war is near end. Soon, we can take off the yellow stars from our clothes. We can stay out after 8 o¡¯clock in the evening. We can be free from all the things that suffocated. All these hope tightened my throat with excitement. But hope, they ended as hope.
This morning of August 4, 1944, we saw the Gestapo. They will never know, those Germans, how a mouse will feel like in front of a cat. We were given five minutes to pack our belongings, and I saw Anne leave her dear Kitty behind.
We eight people got in a cart to Westerbork. I realized that we were happy all the while the past two years. Even though we had to share three ration books between us eight, and lived in a tiny old room, we could still hope. We could still hope that we will be able to make noise and open curtains during daytime. We could hope that we will be able to watch movies and ride bikes in the park and go shopping on weekends. We could hope that someday sunshine would fall upon our skin.
I didn¡¯t know if it was complete peace or complete fear that I felt. Then strangely, at the moment, the only things that I could think about were the arguments Anne and I had. I wondered what it was that made Anne so fond of Otto and resent me so much. And suddenly I realized. There was no time left. I must be quick. She should know how much I love her, and how much I hate to quarrel with her. And also, how much I wish she survives through this disaster.
A big content error first hit my eye. The Frank's didn't leave their rooms for 2 years -- until they were found and taken to the camp.
No, I am talking about when Mrs. Frank and the others got discovered and they are being taken to camp.
I see one mistake in the first paragraph: suffocated US
We can stay out after 8 o¡¯clock in the evening.
The Franks haven't even gone outside for over two years! And they probably also haven't worn the yellow stars since nobody except the others in the house have even seen them.
Oh, maybe that part wasn't made clear. I am talking about their hopes. I put the word "soon" in the first sentence of the lists of hopes. Is it quite awkward?
I agree with Ms. Sue. These sentences give a sense of what is reality, not possibility:
"Soon, we can take off the yellow stars from our clothes. We can stay out after 8 o'clock in the evening."
I think you need to rephrase to make it clear that Mrs. Frank is speculating here, not speaking about reality.
There are other problems that need to be corrected:
"...the war is near end."
Should be the war is near its end.
"All these hope tightened ..."
Should be All these hopes...
Read it through aloud -- or better yet, ask someone else to read it aloud to you -- so you can hear and catch these errors.
I noticed them already. They have been fixed. Are there any other problems?
How did you correct the two sentences with "can" in them?
I put "Soon, we will be allowed to walk around without our yellow stars" and something similar to that. are there any other mistakes?
The verb "will" is still too reality-based, indicating they actually will be able to do these things.
Use "could" or "would," whichever sounds smoother in those sentences.
she died of fingering herself to fast and she bent over to far while trying to eat herself out (cause of death)
A big punctuation error hit MY eye in the first person's response: "The Frank's"- Huh? Aren't these plural Franks we're talking about.