Posted by jennifer on Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 1:52pm.
A big content error first hit my eye. The Frank's didn't leave their rooms for 2 years -- until they were found and taken to the camp.
No, I am talking about when Mrs. Frank and the others got discovered and they are being taken to camp.
I see one mistake in the first paragraph: suffocated US
We can stay out after 8 o¡¯clock in the evening.
The Franks haven't even gone outside for over two years! And they probably also haven't worn the yellow stars since nobody except the others in the house have even seen them.
Oh, maybe that part wasn't made clear. I am talking about their hopes. I put the word "soon" in the first sentence of the lists of hopes. Is it quite awkward?
I agree with Ms. Sue. These sentences give a sense of what is reality, not possibility:
"Soon, we can take off the yellow stars from our clothes. We can stay out after 8 o'clock in the evening."
I think you need to rephrase to make it clear that Mrs. Frank is speculating here, not speaking about reality.
There are other problems that need to be corrected:
"...the war is near end."
Should be the war is near its end.
"All these hope tightened ..."
Should be All these hopes...
Read it through aloud -- or better yet, ask someone else to read it aloud to you -- so you can hear and catch these errors.
I noticed them already. They have been fixed. Are there any other problems?
How did you correct the two sentences with "can" in them?
I put "Soon, we will be allowed to walk around without our yellow stars" and something similar to that. are there any other mistakes?
The verb "will" is still too reality-based, indicating they actually will be able to do these things.
Use "could" or "would," whichever sounds smoother in those sentences.
she died of fingering herself to fast and she bent over to far while trying to eat herself out (cause of death)
A big punctuation error hit MY eye in the first person's response: "The Frank's"- Huh? Aren't these plural Franks we're talking about.
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