posted by Amy on .
ok please tell me what you think of this and tell me what i could fix of it and how should i write the conclusion
Many proud moments can happen in people lifes. Some of them mean more to them than others. Others are just might not be as interesting. One of my most proudest moments was when i made a desicion to change. I have always been know as the nice, shy girl. I like the nice part but I was ready for the shy girl part to change. I became ready to break out of my shell.
What caused me to make a change? When all you think about is what people think, am i doing the right thing. You would probably would be tired of it too. I never said anything and just sat there. In class I knew that answer but I wouldn't say anything afraid being afraid if it was the wrong answer. I kept on telling myself who cares what they think. If they like you they like you. Then one day I went to a company picnic at my dads job. I met a girl that I hadn't seen for awhile I was relaxed and just acted like myself. I was laughing and having fun and didn't care what people thought. I loved it! That was the way I wanted it to be.
Who helped me change? A good friend to do it with is always a good way. My friend _______ was also like me. She always worried about what people thought of her and was very self conscious. While talking on line one day, we tolled each other how we felt about things. We both had the same feelings about how we wanted to be more outgoing and we were tired of caring what people thought. So we decided to make a plan, the plan really helped and really worked.
What is it like after the change? It was more than a change it was part of me growing up. The first day back to school some of my other friends had noticed. My parents were proud of me and say that I act better and like I did when I was younger. I have more confidence and its easier to talk to people. I have more energy and I enjoy sociolizing. I can talk and say what I want to say with out feeling stupid. I feel happy and I have a lot more fun.
Please go over your paper with the following in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
Well, you left the reader dangling on what the "plan" was, and how did it work...and perhaps the trials along the way. This would make a neat story, and add much to the content.
The conclusion is ok, but I have to tell you, this entire writing is full of awkward and often ungrammatical expressions, most of which could be detected if you proofed it yourself.