Posted by gertrude on Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 4:43pm.
First of all, you haven't written a thesis statement. You have written a series of introductory sentences. Take a look at all the examples and corrections here, and then write a true thesis statement which has both factual information AND YOUR OPINION ABOUT IT. (Your opinion is your position or your stance.)
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/thesistatement.html
http://www.angelfire.com/wi/writingprocess/
http://www.bookrags.com/articles/2.html
These may be helpful, too.
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