I wrote this 2 years ok - please could you critique it
A tale of dishonesty
Our story takes place in Zakinthos – a place in Greece- long ago. It is all about the Princess of that fine land. Her name was Maria and she was sick of palace life. She stayed there as her love, the kitchen boy, was there. She barely ever saw him, and was forever worried he had been killed for being idle. And when she did see him their meetings were short and they only spoke of grief. She wanted to leave the palace but without her the kitchen boy’s life would be meaningless and he would probably hang himself before she got back.
One June day Maria’s father was kidnapped and placed in iron chains – in a prison in Crete. It was too far for the army to reach him, if they came near their ship would be seen and the king would be slaughtered mercilessly.
So Maria ran away on her horse. When she had reached the beach she left her horse and traded her beloved childhood friend for a boat. When she returned she would return the boat and receive her horse. She was stuck in a forest pining for her love. Soon she came across an old man, who told her he had a friend of hers locked away. Her horse. And he also told her that to get her back she would have to break free of chains. The man was foolish and didn’t watch her slip the chains on loosely. “How did you…” She had her horse but needed a human to soothe her. She would probably have lost her father by the time she reached Crete. But if she didn’t try he was certainly gone. Maria travelled for many days before coming across a slave who looked- just like ‘ Percy’ the kitchen boy. He said that if Maria gave him a gold coin he would come with her. She agreed and gave the gold piece away. The man walked with her for about half a mile before mugging her and leaving her with just one silver coin, the clothes on her back, her horse and a rationed down cloth bag filled to the brim with food and lastly she was left with a sword, some water … and shorter hair. She was devastated but at least she was alive. What should she do? Go home before she was robbed of everything? But then she would have no father! But what else could she do? She must carry on!
Maria arrived at the edge of the sea separating Zakynthos and Crete. She asked a young man for his boat. He gave her it on the condition that she would return the boat to Zakynthos as soon as she reached Crete. Maria told him it was impossible. The young, tall man gave her the boat and if she didn’t return it as soon as she got to Crete the Harpies would come followed by The Cyclops. Maria stepped daintily into the boat and rowed away. She realised that if she got some one to return it for her, she would be safe. She pleaded with a man and told him to return the boat. He did so but killed the owner of the boat. The Cyclops came down and wounded the man. Luckily, Maria was safe. But now Maria would have to hurry – she was running out of food!
There was a cave in the distance and it is said that is where the natives kill their sacrifices. Maria didn’t know that and was hung on the wall by loose string. She could easily break it (the natives couldn’t as they were weak- sometimes natives killed fellow natives). Maria broke the string and ran for her life. She was faster than the natives and soon got away. She had lost them. The Princess lay down on the ground and found she had run into a desert. As she lifted her head she saw the Hydra, a monster with 6 heads. She found a sword on the ground – it was lying next to a skeleton. Princess Maria cut of the creatures head and it grew a fiercer one in its place. She realised the only way to kill it was to cut off all its heads before it grew them back.
After many hours of fighting the Hydra was killed. Maria was exhausted but kept walking until daybreak. Then she saw her father hung up and the kitchen boy. She wondered which one to save. The kitchen boy might not be a kitchen boy but no one could fake her father. So she tried to save her father and they ran home together. And Maria later learned the man wounded buy the Cyclops, them man who had mugged her and her kitchen boy where all one man.
This is just the opening
Sorry if it seems so sad , the ending is a LOT happier
True, the beginning sets the scene for a tragedy. I'm glad the ending is happier! If you are asking if there are any glaring grammatical errors, no, there are not.
Sra
i am sorry that things are sad sometimes they get better and other times they just stay the same on minute they are sad and then the other minute than it is happy and sometimes they are happier and other times they are sad
i hope i helped out some
Title: A Tale of Dishonesty
Overall, the story you wrote is intriguing and contains elements of adventure and romance. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:
1. Narrative Structure: The story seems to jump abruptly from one event to another without providing enough background or context. Consider adding more details and transitions to make the story flow smoothly.
2. Character Development: While you mention the Princess, the kitchen boy, and the father, their characterization could be expanded upon. Try to provide more insight into their personalities, motivations, and relationships to make them more relatable to the reader.
3. Dialogue: The conversations between characters can benefit from more natural and fluid exchange. Consider revising the dialogue to make it sound more realistic and engaging.
4. Setting Description: Although you mention the locations of Zakynthos and Crete, it would be helpful to provide more vivid descriptions of the surroundings, such as the palace, the forest, the sea, and the cave. This will help to create a more immersive reading experience.
5. Resolution: The resolution of the story, where it is revealed that the man who mugged Maria, wounded the man, and was her kitchen boy, feels abrupt and could use more explanation or foreshadowing to make it more satisfying for the reader.
To improve your writing, consider revising these areas and incorporating more descriptive language and character development to enhance the overall storytelling experience.