Homework Help: English Improving writing

Posted by Kaleigh-Anne on Monday, June 9, 2008 at 9:03am.

Ok this what I have now Thanks to all of you for your help

Brain storming revised

The problem is Jack and Rachel often has nothing to do
Bonnie and Molly is working extra and have to work over time
Melanie and Jessica share an administrative assistant
Larry assistant only works 15 hours
The company is not working as well as it can
There is friction between the staff Bonnie and Molly feel that they are not being treat fairly
Jack and Rachel could help out the Bonnie and Molly so they do not have to work over time
Try and split the work more evenly
Maybe get rid of Larry’s assistant who work only 15 hours or see if they can work more hours
The administrative assistant can maybe help Samuel and Frank Daily who has no aslant
Along with helping Melanie and Jessica
I have may years working with the public
been at the company for a long time
the uneven productivity has a bad impact on the company
may lose clients if problem is not fixed soon
giving the company a bad name
morale is getting low
company finances is slowly sinking
this problem has been going on for over a month
Hiring extra help in the long run will improve efficiency
if the employees do not feel stressed they will do better at their job which will increase company morale

English Improving writing - SraJMcGin, Monday, June 9, 2008 at 10:05am
Thank you for using the Jiskha Homework Help Forum. Always check the subject and verb for agreement. Many times you have a plural subject with a singular verb:

Jack and Rachel (they) have

Bonnie and Molly (they) are

Larry's assistant?

between the staff; = add semicolon or you have a run-on sentence. There are actually 2 sentences there

could help out Bonnie = get rid of "the"

Larry's assistant who only works (he works)

aslant = probably assistant?

I have (may) = many years

I have been? there is no subject
com pany finances (they) ARE

Many of these are not yet complete sentences as there is no subject.

Sra
English Improving writing - Writeacher, Monday, June 9, 2008 at 11:05am
Paragraph 1 Define and analyze the heart of the problem your solution targets,]... Provide facts figures and explanation and clarify the problem for your supervisor Describe how it affects efficiency and the company the reasons it is a problem to be concerned with your purpose is to persuade your supervisor that a problem exists
The problem is Jack and Rachel often have nothing to do
Bonnie and Molly are working extra and have to work over time
Melanie and Jessica share an administrative assistant
Larry's assistant only works 15 hours
The company is not working as well as it can
There is friction between the staff Bonnie and Molly feel that they are not being treat fairly

Paragraph 2 introduce changes that you recommend and explain the way to solve it solves the problem as defined in paragraph 1 Summarize other solutions you consider but discarded and explain why you have focused on this particular situation The purpose of this is to persuade your supervisor your choice is most effective and appropriate for the situation your company in solving the problem.
Jack and Rachel could help out the Bonnie and Molly so they do not have to work over time
Try and split the work more evenly
Maybe get rid of Larry’s assistant who works only 15 hours or see if they ["they = who?] can work more hours
The administrative assistant can maybe help Samuel and Frank Daily who has no aslant[<~~??]
Along with helping Melanie and Jessica

Paragraph 3 Describe the specific benefits your office, your supervisor and the company will reap from this solution. Your purpose is to convince your supervisor that the solution will transform your office from inefficient and unmotivated to well organized and productive
I have many years working with the public
been at the company for a long time
the uneven productivity has a bad impact on the company
may lose clients if problem is not fixed soon
giving the company a bad name
morale is getting low
company finances is slowly sinking
this problem has been going on for over a month
Hiring extra help in the long run will improve efficiency
if the employees do not feel stressed they will do better at their jobs which will increase company morale

I have put your brainstorming points with the appropriate instructions for each of the 3 paragraphs. Be sure to correct any that should be moved elsewhere.

I have also underlined a section for paragraph 2 that you did not address in your brainstorming. Be sure to add those ideas before you go any further.

THEN ... you should start drafting each paragraph, based on the brainstorming you did.

Re-post after you have addressed the underlined section above and after you have written your rough drafts for the three paragraphs.

=)

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