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English writing a memo revised

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This is my revised Memo please look at it and let me know what you think thanks for all of your help

TO: Sarah Thomas Executive Event Planner
From: Kaliegh-Anne Peters Medical Office Assistant
DATE: May 14, 2008
SUBJECT: Departmental Training Seminar

I would like to take the time to thank for your continued help with our Hospital. As per our prior conversation I confirmed that DR Melanie Dobler will be our Guest Speaker for one Day Training Seminar on June 28, 2008. I glad to know that you were able to obtain "Truman" room. Which will easily accommodate the 40 people who will be attending?
The following is a list of what I still need to confirm with you.
At
Travel arrangements
DR Dobler is requesting that a mid-sized car with a/c pick her up at the JFK airport 11: am on June 28, 2008
Requisition items
A computer and screen for our PowerPoint presentation. ,
15 tables and 40 chairs
45 photocopies of our training manuals.
Lunch
We are having a causal lunch that includes five meat and cheese platters that we would like delivered at 12 noon from Donnas’ Deli. A variety of soft drinks bottled water is also needed. A dessert platter would be great to accommodate our two breaks

Please feel free to call me at (518) 555-555 ext. 567 if you have any questions.

Kaleigh-Anne Peters
KAP

  • English writing a memo revised -

    TO: Sarah Thomas<~~add comma Executive Event Planner
    From: Kaliegh-Anne Peters<~~add comma Medical Office Assistant
    DATE: May 14, 2008
    SUBJECT: Departmental Training Seminar

    Thank you for your continued help with our hospital training program. As per<~~Get rid of "As per" -- very stilted - and insert "From" our prior conversation<~~add comma I am confirming that Dr. Melanie Dobler will be our Guest Speaker<~~lower-case g and s, not capital letters for the one-day training seminar on June 28, 2008. I glad to know that you have been able to obtain "Truman"<~~delete the quotation marks; capitalize the R on "Room"~~> room. Which<~~delete period after "Room" and add a comma; lower-case w on "which" (this will correct your fragment) will easily accommodate the 40 people who will be attending?<~~why the question mark; should be just a period
    The following is a list of what I still need to confirm with you.
    At <~~??
    Travel arrangements<~~add colon
    Dr. Dobler is requesting that a mid-sized car with a/c pick her up<~~this produced a strange image; a car is going to pick her up? or will she pick up a car? or will someone from the company or car agency pick her up? at the JFK airport 11:<~~delete the colon unless you plan to add two zeroes after it am on June 28, 2008<~~add period at the end of a sentence

    Requisition items<~~add colon
    A computer and screen for our PowerPoint presentation. , <~~delete period and comma
    15 tables and 40 chairs
    45 photocopies of our training manuals. <~~delete period

    Lunch<~~add colon
    We are having a causal lunch that includes five meat and cheese platters that we would like delivered at 12 noon from Donnas’ Deli.<~~How can you rephrase that sentence so that there aren't two that's in there? A variety of soft drinks and bottled water are also needed. A dessert platter would be great to accommodate our two breaks<~~add period

    Please feel free to call me at (518) 555-555<~~add a 4th number here and then a comma ext. 567<~~add comma if you have any questions.

    Kaleigh-Anne Peters
    KAP

  • English writing a memo revised -

    Your "I glad to know" reads funny. Can you fix it?

    ??

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