Posted by Kinza on Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 7:12pm.
it is a litle sad but still good
I actually had to make a poem and i made this as a last minute but since it was a pretty big grade,so i had to have someone review it :)
ok np :D
First line I would delete "bright"... it means the same thing as sunny and it has too many syllables.
In the second line I oule delete "out", to match the beat of the first line.
In the third line, I would change murderer to " my fate". Fate could be anything... and would make the poem more interesting.
Fourth line, delete "and"
Fifth line delete "away" , that is redundant.
The last two line will work fine!!! Good idea.
ooohh thanks alot!!
i will definitely take all that advice :D
thanks again!!!! you don't realize how you've saved my grade!!
On a sunny day,
In the open street
I saw my fate,
our eyes did meet
I tried to run
but my fear gave away
And sadly I admit,
that was my last day
sound better with your advice?
i definitely think so
Very nice revisions, GuruBlue. (: Yes, much better, Kinza. I especially like how you changed murderer to my fate.
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