English/ please revise
posted by Christi on .
this is my intro for a paper I am writing about ethnic conflict and nationalism. can you please revise and tell me if it sounds ok. thanx.
Pakistan is not a single nation state, but a multi-national state composed of five major ethnic groups. Most of the people in Pakistan belong in to one of the country’s five major ethno linguistic groups, Punjabis, Sindhis, Pashtuns, Mohajirs and Baluch. Pakistan is governed as an ethnic-nation with a dictatorial political structure that has denied the subordinate nations the right to share political power. In recent years, subordinate nations are gaining more force and are becoming more organized and unified against the domination of the Pakistani chauvinistic regimes, growing into armed resistance, especially the Baluchistan (Boladai 2007).
First, you should realize that Boladai is a paid representative of Baluchistan (Balochistan). Your introduction is definitely biased toward this region.
What is your paper about? What is your thesis sentence?
My reading of the paragraph is that the rest of the paper will be not much substance, mainly silly propaganda. You can do better.