posted by Bizzy on .
This is my introduction paragraph for an essay I am writing. I am not really confident on my grammar and sentence stucture. I want to make sure the introduction sounds smooth and formal. I would like to have someone's feedback on it. Thanks!
The topic of my paper is promoting resilience in children. Building resilience in a child is important because people genuinely experience difficulties during their life span. It is important for children to know how to overcome tough times, lonely times, frustrating times, and unfair times. For these reasons I decided to make my web article evaluation paper based on this topic because it is vital for parents to help build their child’s backbone in order for them to bounce back through hardships.
You have excellent grammar and reasoning, but the first thing they taught me in high school is never begin a paper with "I'm going to write about..." or "This paper is going to be on..." Maybe that is the way they told you to write this paper, and if so, it sounds great as is. But if you want to strengthen the beginning and make it more natural, why don't you rephrase your second sentence a little to make it a strong start? Something like "Resilience during childhood is one of the most important qualities a person can have, because it helps with difficult life experiences." See if you can flow from there, explain what you mean and why it is important to you.
1. Cut out the first sentence; start with the second.
2. Combine the second and third sentences to make a good starting sentence. (Get rid of the "people genuinely..." stuff.)
3. Get rid of the "I" references in that last sentence. Delete "For ... because" and start the sentence with "it."
Great ideas from Molly!!
Thank you for your help!