Posted by Taylor on Saturday, March 1, 2008 at 10:23am.
Without seeing what you have already written, it's hard to say. Please repost, including what you've written so far. Then someone here will be able to comment.
I miss you, son
I miss you, father
You were taken
from me.
I never stop thinking about you.
That was unfair.
Life is unfair.
I miss your laugh
You will here it again some day.
Someday when I
am free of this
horrible world.
Someday when my
soul shall rest at
peace.
This is the beggining of the poem.
Does your teacher want the beginning (note the spelling!) of your poem to be more obvious about who's who? That is, more dramatic, perhaps? More clearly connected with the holocaust?
As it is, it's clearly a two-voice poem, but it could be from any child whose father has died. How can you make it more clearly on-topic?
Here's an example of a two-voice poem, in case you wish to test out the tone:
http://www.artofeurope.com/smith/smi1.htm
Also -- make sure you use the correct word in line 9 -- hear, not here.
To make the change of speaker more obvious, I would suggest that you leave a space between lines or indent when the father speaks.
Also, shouldn't the line " Someday when I am free of this horrible world" end with a question mark?
Regarding the beginning, I like it; however , a more dramatic beginning would be ,Father! I miss you!
My dear son, I miss you.
Can you think of a more vital word that "taken" for the third line? Check the Thesaurus to see if you see one that grabs your attention. You have a great idea here!
Thanks so much I can't tell you how much this helps!
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