I think your directions are pretty clear:
Review a few sample press releases from the FBI Web site. Select and identify one that is well-written and discuss what makes it effective. In addition, identify one that is poorly written and rewrite it to make it more effective. Include either the Web site links to the press releases you chose, or copy and paste them directly into your document.
So choose five or six of the press releases listed; I take it you have links to them. Read them through and decide two things: Which one is the best written, and which one is the worst written. Then rewrite the one you chose as the worst written.
I take it you need to put this in some kind of response or essay for your class. You'll need to identify the ones you chose and give reasons for your choices. You'll also need to include the re-write of the one you decided was the worst.
I hope this helps.
This is only a response not an essay I have to choose one that is well-written and discuss what makes it effective. And the other choose one that is poorly written and discuss how to make it more effective. I chose:
For Immediate Release
February 2, 2008
FBI National Press Office
FBI'S TOP TEN NEWS STORIES
FOR THE WEEK ENDING February 2, 2008
1. Boston: Indictment for Threatening to Use Weapons of Mass Destruction
Michael A. Crooker was indicted on charges of possession of toxins (ricin and abrin) and threatening to use weapons of mass destruction against federal officials. Full Story
2. New York: 20 Year Sentence in $450 Million Securities Fraud
Daniel E. Marino, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer, was sentenced to 20 years imprisonment for defrauding investors in the now-collapsed Bayou hedge funds of more than $450 million. Full Story
3. Atlanta: Army Officer Convicted of Faking Wife’s Death
Ingerberth Baird, an enlisted officer in the U.S. Army, was convicted of faking the death of his wife and collecting life insurance benefits. Full Story
4. Newark: Councilman Indicted on Extortion Charges
City of Passaic Councilman Jonathan Soto was indicted on charges of attempted extortion and bribery by accepting cash in exchange for his influence on local government contracts. Full Story
5. Miami: Foreign National Pleads Guilty
Moises Maionica, a foreign national, pled guilty to being an illegal agent of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela. Full Story
6. Sacramento: Craigslist Murder-for-Hire Arrest
Ann Marie Linscott was arrested for placing a murder-for-hire employment ad on the craigslist internet site. Full Story
7. Miami: Two Charged in World Bank Bond Fraud Scheme
Jose Rafael Mirabel and Ernesto J. Casco were charged with conspiracy, wire fraud and money laundering in their issuance of over $1.5 million of fraudulent World Bank bonds. Full Story
8. Atlanta: Army Handwriting Expert Sentenced
Allen L. Southmayd, a forensic document examiner with the U.S. Army, Criminal Investigation Division, was sentenced on charges of interstate transportation of stolen monies. Full Story
9. Miami: FARC Senior Member Sentenced to 60 Years
Juvenal Ovidio Ricardo Palmera Pineda, a.k.a. Simon Trinidad, was sentenced to 60 years imprisonment for his role in a conspiracy to take hostage three American citizens in the Republic of Colombia. Full Story
10. Los Angeles: Two Police Officers Found Guilty
William Ferguson and his brother, Joseph Ferguson, police officers in the Los Angeles area, were found guilty of possession of narcotics with intent to distribute and conspiracy to violate civil rights. Full Story
For Immediate Release
February 6, 2008
FBI National Press Office
West Virginia University Named National Leader for FBI Biometrics Research
WVU-FBI Partner on Biometric Center of Excellence
Morgantown, West Virginia—West Virginia University (WVU) is the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s lead academic partner in biometrics research, under the terms of an agreement signed today on the WVU campus.
“West Virginia University has comprehensive, integrative research and education programs in biometrics and is known worldwide for its identification technology research,” said Thomas E. Bush, III, Assistant Director of the FBI’s Criminal Justice Information Services Division. “The University is uniquely positioned to serve as the liaison to the academic research community for the FBI’s Biometric Center of Excellence.”
The agreement, signed by WVU President Mike Garrison and FBI Assistant Director Bush, leverages the University’s academic research and knowledge in the biometric identification arena and identifies WVU as the academic arm of the FBI’s Biometric Center of Excellence. WVU’s role is to provide biometrics research support to the FBI and its law enforcement and national security partners and serve as the FBI liaison to the academic community of biometric researchers nationwide.
“WVU’s expertise in biometrics positions us to distinctively perform with capabilities central to the FBI’s mission, as well as to bring together academic networks in those areas,” said Garrison. “We are very excited to be involved in a project that will not only impact national security efforts but will also have worldwide significance. The Center will provide WVU students with an academic opportunity that they will not find at any other institution in the United States.”
Added Senator Robert C. Byrd, “A partnership between WVU and the FBI is a winning combination. The men and women in Clarksburg and Morgantown will be on the forefront of securing our nation while also working to advance biometric technology. I am proud to have supported this initiative from the very beginning, and will continue to do all I can to help further its advancement.”
The FBI Science and Technology Branch is creating a Biometric Center of Excellence to coordinate biometric and identity management activities within the FBI and partner with other U.S. Government agencies. The FBI Biometric Center of Excellence will facilitate research, development, training and other activities related to biometric technologies and systems. Through the FBI Biometric Center of Excellence, the FBI will provide quality biometric services and technologies to fight terrorism and aid in investigative and intelligence efforts.
WVU’s National Science Foundation (NSF) Center for Identification Technology Research (CITeR) is the internationally recognized biometric research asset that enabled the new partnership. CITeR faculty and students have a well established history of forming academic teams to address specific areas of research and of reaching out to other academic institutions to form multi-university collaborations based on the needs of sponsored research.
“ We are proud of the enabling role that CITeR is playing in WVU's partnership with the FBI's new Biometric Center of Excellence,” said Alex Schwarzkopf, a long-time centers expert and director of NSF's Industry/University Cooperative Research Center (I/UCRC) program. “NSF fosters the creation and maintenance of I/UCRCs throughout the U.S. by providing a small amount of seed funding and management guidance. Led by West Virginia University, with the University of Arizona as a partner, CITeR is a model of I/UCRC goals. By leveraging industry, academe, and government resources, the center strengthens U.S. competitiveness by bringing the brightest minds from multiple universities to solve the tough security problems that we face.”
Byrd Professor Lawrence Hornak, Co-director of CITeR stated, “The teaming process will be used as the mechanism to reach out to other universities to perform biometric research or to engage in technology transfer to mission critical systems for the FBI. This partnership will develop an understanding of the FBI’s systems needs and cultivate and evolve an academic research portfolio to help address those needs.”
Which one of those do you think is better written than the other?
I think that the first one is well written and the second one caught my attention because of all the technical jargons and different departments. Oh my god, how boring. biometrics is not a interesting subject. It seems as if to really understand you have to be tied to the field in some way. I do not know what I could have written to make it better. but, I don't know what happened past the third paragraph.
The first one is definitely concise and gives pertinent information although as a press release, I'm not sure it would be helpful to someone on the receiving end unless he/she were simply looking for data, not "news."
The second is definitely filled with in-house terminology (jargon). Understanding the term "biometrics" helps to make better sense of the it: http://www.answers.com/biometrics?cat=technology
Mostly it's about the cooperation and teaming that is going on. [The gaps in information is one element that various agencies in our country (including the FBI) believe led to the ability of terrorists to pull off the hideous occurrences on Sept 11, 2001.]