posted by Bizzy on .
Hi, can someone proofread this and let me know what my weaknesses are on my thoughts or sentence structure.
Based on the article I read I believe that the bases of wars are a result of people’s lack of understanding, appreciation, and respect for other people’s beliefs. The well-being of humans are overshadowed when people choose to focus on the exterior representations rather than the commonalities among all human beings.
The people in the article are Christians, Jews and a Muslim from the Los Angeles area who are working together to fight hunger, disease and violence. Their approach to end world hunger, disease and violence is by accepting each others differences in beliefs by appreciating and respecting them. Their exterior representations of how they identify themselves are being used to promote unity among differences and how unity can help to solve the problems that benefit all human society.
All humans have one commonality which is death. In order to survive in this world we need to have food, be healthy, and stay safe from violence.
passive voice (helping verb + infinitive....i.e. are overshadowed) tends to make writing weaker. if you can, try to change it to just the verb (rearranging the sentence may help). also, "the well-being of humans are overshadowed" isn't gramatically correct. it should be well beings are overshadowed or well-being of humans is overshadowed. when in doubt, it helps to cross out the prepositional phrase (of humans) because the well being is the subject and must agree in number with the verb. hope that helps a little bit! good job.
Thank you. So, was that the only sentence that I need to work on?
Below changes the sentence to the active voice rather than passive.
People choosing to focus on exterior superficialities rather than interior commonalities overshadows a concern for the well-being of all.
Look at the second paragraph and see if you can find more dynamic verbs.