Homework Help: Can someone edit my paragraph?

Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 9:23pm.

A young man prepares to graduate from college. He expects his father to buy him the car he always admired for his graduation. His father talks to him and the father tells him he loves and is proud of him. The father gives the young man a beautiful wrapped gift box. The young man opens the gift box and he is not impressed with the Bible. The young man leaves the house angrily and leaving the Bible too. Since he has not seen his father for many years after his graduation, he decides to visit him. However, the son receives a telegram about his father’s death and will, leaving his entire possession to him. The son visits his father’s house and feels sadness and regretful. He opens the Bible his father gave him on his graduation and a car key dropped from the back of the Bible.

Can someone edit my paragraph? - Writeacher, Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 9:50pm
In the second sentence, delete "for his graduation."

In the third sentence, delete the second instance of "the father" -- in fact you have the phrase "the father" repeated many times in the first few sentences. You need to vary the phrasing or combine some sentences.

Sentence combining is needed in sentences five and six, too. Unnecessary repetition is occurring.

"his entire possession" = the father had only one possession when he died? Or do you mean his entire estate? Or all his possessions?

The end of the next to last sentence should read "feels sadness and regret" or "feels sad and regretful." Choose one!

Comma is needed after "graduation" in the last sentence.

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