posted by Anonymous on .
Can you proofread my paragraph?
The Nurse forces the men to conform in order to give herself a sense of superiority. The Nurse obsesses on perfection to the point that humanity is cast aside. “[S]he dreams of there in the center of those wires is a world of precision efficiency and tidiness...[A] place where...all the patients who are...obedient under her beam... [She sits] in the center of this web of wires...know[ing] every second which wire runs where and just what current to send up to get the results she wants”. The Nurse watches over the patients and only wants them to have no signs of individuality so they fit more easily into society. Moreover, The Nurse uses violence or harsh treatments to punish the men who do not follow her orders. “...the...Nurse come[s] up quietly, lock[ing] her hand on his arm, paralyz[ing] him“. Also, “[when] a patient is troublesome, he can be fixed by receiving a new “head installation”. The Nurse overpowers the patients. She demonstrates violence and ordering electroshock therapies will get her desired results, which is for the patients to behave the way she wants them to behave. Furthermore, The Nurse wants the men to follow her schedule that she controls time. “Keep in mind that he is committed. The length of time he spends in this hospital is entirely up to [the authorities]”. “The Nurse seems able to control time and can slow things to an icy crawl; to the Chief she is like the animator of a cartoon in which all the inmates are characters or like the puppeteer who produces life-like motion with invisible wires” (Semino, 226). She knows the rebellious newcomer’s small victories mean nothing because over time, he results himself regulating and submitting to her power. Her schedule will always go back to the way she wants it to be. The Nurse determines who is committed and dismissed in the ward. Thus, The Nurse sees the purpose of the asylum as a place to promote conformity.
The paragraph is well structured. You have provided excellent support for your thesis statement. I have a problem with your concluding sentence. It merely repeats the thesis. It needs to draw a conclusion...what have you learned from all of that proof?