please revise my paragrpah
posted by julie on .
Caitlin Petre is a graduate from Stanford, a well-known school. She graduated with a 3.90 GPA with a Philosophy degree. One day, Petre went for an interview for a job and she was asked to fill out a W-4 form. While filling out the form, Petre experienced some trouble because she didn’t know what the meaning of some words meant, such as “allowance.” Although her academic knowledge is enormous, her knowledge of the real world was lacking. According to her article “The Lessons I Didn’t Learn in College,” Petre was never taught how to deal with situations that involve money managements in college. She feels that colleges don’t offer classes that teach students how to deal with real life situations, such as renting an apartment, paying off student loans, filling out applications, managing budgets, etc… She suggests that colleges should create classes and workshops that will benefit students in their career life and in their financial life in the future.
The content is good. It is not news that philosophers lack real world knowledge <grin>. Take a look on these items:
Is it Stanford, or Standford University? If it is well known, why do you have to say it?
Petre is a graduate with ... <masters, bachelors, associates, ..> degree in.
One day <after graduation?>,..
While filling or When filling?
...meaning of some words meant? I suggest drop the word meant.
Why do you think her academic knowledge is enormous? Surely not with just a bachelors degree... I recommend change this to Although her academic background is impressive, her...
..involve money mangagement<s>. Drop the plural.
...filling out forms, managing budgets, etc.. drop the etc... just forms, and managing budgets.
..and in their future financial life.