English College Essay
posted by Student on .
1) At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the University of Maryland community?
The students were unaware of me standing on the balcony, watching them with interest as they walked back from school on the narrow dirt path road. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes were neatly tied, and their faces were lit up with joy after one more day of gaining knowledge. In India, the enthusiasm to learn is common since education is one of the three most important things in their tradition, along with family and culture. As I traveled around the world, I have learnt important life lessons that I have treasured to make me a diverse and cultured person. These lessons have been incorporated into my life to make me appreciate my way of living, and to respect other peoples religions, beliefs, and ideas.
As I try to balance my life between the school work and social life of Western society, and the home life and traditions of Indian society, I find many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the diversity of the University of Maryland community.
When I entered my freshman year at Hereford High, not many boys sought to join my schools prestigious chamber choir. Stereotypes aside, I succeeded in gaining admission into the group and as time progressed, came to know my fellow choir members as family rather than peers. Surprisingly, our dependence on each other was more vital than I would have ever expected. To achieve our goals of perfection, we had to practice constantly during both class time, and free time. The commitment we showed throughout the year paid off when received the highest rating possible at the state competition. Every person in this choir comes from a different background and a social class but we are all bound by the music we practice. This alone is a great accomplishment because of the fact that from now on, any path I choose to pursue, I will be able to associate with any group of people.
I don't want you to "write" the essay for me. Just critique, opinions and other things of the sort.
P.S. I need IDEAS if possible. I have writers block and I need this done ASAP! Should i write about how i'm a fan of their sports program since my sister went there, or should i write about my leadership ability that will advance their programs? HELP!
I wouldn't focus on what they can offer you (like their sports program). What you can offer them seems to be what they are looking for. You should include some information on your leadership. I like the bit about commitment, too.
I am confused by your beginning (especially the first two sentences). You should definitely work on your introduction. Your enthusiasm to learn is a good part to write about. Also, you should elaborate on the life lessons you've learned. (I would suggest using "learned" rather than "learnt." Both are correct, but "learned" is more standard.)
You've done a good job outlining some of the things you're going to talk about. You should just give more specific examples and details about them (like your hobbies and talents, for example).
If you have any questions, let me know. Good luck.