Posted by Danny on Thursday, November 22, 2007 at 10:45pm.
One of the problems with your introduction is that you are switching from second person (you) to first person (I). If you are allowed to refer to yourself in your essay, then just change the you's to me's. Write everything in first person. For example, "There was no one at home to help me and to guide me."
If you want to revise the paragraph with that information, then I'll be glad to look over it.
thanks can you check it now
Being the first in my family to attend college is not so easy. There has never been anyone at home to help or to guide me .I did not always get the support I needed, there was and is people, that doubt me. My mother put a tremendous amount pressures me to go to college while my father doubts I can go to college.
Thanks
Being the first in my family to attend college is not so easy. There has never been anyone at home to help or to guide me .I did not always get the support I needed, there was and is people, that doubt me. My mother put a tremendous amount pressures me to go to college while my father doubts I can go to college.
The first two sentences are good. I would change the others just a little bit like this...
I did not always get the support I needed, as there were and still are people that doubt me. My mother put a tremendous amount of pressure on me to go to college, while my father doubted I could go to college.
The end of the last sentence could be better. You may want to include why your father doubted you, like "doubted I had the intelligence to go to college" or something.
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