please revise my essay
posted by shylo on .
Dreams Are Taken Away
It was a tough day on September 30, 2002 with a crowd of high school students carrying posters and signs marching in the middle of the street. None of them were happy at all. "Governor Davis is throwing away our future with his unfair High School Exit Exam," said Rosa De Leon, a student from Overfelt High School in San Jose, CA. In the article "Don't Trash Our Futures" by CFJ Student Leaders, the High School Exit Exam is a test that throws high school students' dream away. It only allows the wealthy and the kids who spoke English as their first language to have a dream. The High School Exit Exam is an unfair test toward students who speak English as their second language.
Non native speakers, learning a different language are at a disadvantage and have a harder time passing the exam. ESL students are struggling with the English portion because of their low reading and writing skills. Many of them are new to the country and they cannnot learn how to read or write in a month. The High School Exit Exam is an unfair test for ESL students because foreign students cannot be expected to learn English in very little time.
"Seventeen and 18-year-olds should not just be handed diplomas. Diplomas are earned with hard work; they should not be rewarded just for showing up to class." said Jack O' Connell, California State Superintended. ESL students are more dedicated to their education. They do the same or more work and should be rewarded for their effort. Many American students take education as granted but the ESL students do not. Taking time to come to class is important not just because of perfect attendance, but the important of one's education. Students need their diplomas to get a job. In the country where they came from, only the wealthy can go to school and the poor has to work out on the field or in the factory. In the United States, everyone has the right to go to school whether he or she is rich or poor.
That person values his or her education because it is important. I personally went through the same experience because I was an ESL student. I came from a low-income family. My parents had to work out on the field to earn money for my education. I failed the English portion of the High School Exit Exam with 345 points. I thought I was stupid because i failed the test. I took the English portion again in my junior year and i passed it.
In the article "CASHEE At Glance," stated that "Other option are available to these students, including attending adult school or a community college to obtain a diploma or taking the General Educational Development test to receive a GED." Some ESL students are not able to continue education beyond high school for financial reasons. In California, the law says that if a student turns 18 year olds, he or she is considered as an adult and must go work to support him or herslef. The student cannot go work at places that pay well because he or she does not have a diploma. If the student uses his or her money to pay for his or her education, then he or she will not have any money left to support him or herself.
President Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act in 2002. This Act was to help the students who were struggling in school. If this Act was passed, then why should foreign students who are new to the country being left behind, while others who are already in the country have the right to move forward. Everyone has the right to graduate from High School as long as he or she has the credict to graduate. The University is not going to look at the test for adimission, they will just look at the grade which is what matter the most.
The Exit Exam is not only a test that stops high school students from not recieving their diplomas, but it is also an unfair test toward other backrounds. Students who are new to the country cannot score as high as the students who spoke English as their first language. There is no chances for them to pass the test because they have not build up their vocabulary words or know how to write an essay. The High School Exit Exam has caused the students to drop out of high school because other people are not satisfied with what they got.
Your mistakes are mainly in spelling, choice of pronoun, or mismatching singular and plural in the same sentence. I have corrected some sentences or parts of sentences below.
..the High School Exit Exam is a test that throws high school students' dreams away.
.. but the importance of one's education.
I thought I was stupid because I failed the test
In California, the law says that if a student turns 18 years old, he or she is considered as an adult and must go
The University is not going to look at the test for admission
Everyone has the right to graduate from High School as long as he or she has the credits to graduate.
The University is not going to look at the test for admission,..
from not receiving their diplomas
There is no chance for them
Well, this is somewhat better, but there are errors in here now that weren't here before! What happened?
~~put a comma after a date when the sentence continues: ... on September 30, 2002, with a crowd ...
~~use the word "only" immediately in front of whatever it's modifying: It allows only the wealthy ...
~~learning to use the correct preposition is not easy, I know, but you need to work on it: ... is an unfair test for students ...
~~CAHSEE (not CASHEE) -- and in addition, you have not made clear the connection between this acronym and what the letters stand for.
~~when referring to yourself, use a capital I, not lower-case (end of 2nd paragraph)
Did you look at the different links and references I gave you before?
Here are some webpages you can use whenever you need to proof your paper yourself:
(Broken Link Removed)
They're both VERY good, and both have links to explanations if you need them.