Homework Help: please revise my paragraph

Posted by apoorva on Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 2:59am.

The celebration of Holi only takes place for a week, but the preparations for various events begins almost forty days before the festival. One of the main events during this week is when everyone goes to a temple and performs a ritual to represent the death of Holika. Days before the ritual, people start gathering materials that can be burned such as, wood, dried leaves, twigs, and branches of trees. On the day of the ritual, everyone gathers around outside the temple where all the burning materials are stacked in a pile. In the middle of the pile, a combustible statue of Holika and a non-combustible statue of Prahlad are placed side by side. Then, on the eve of Holi, the pile of wood and statues are set on fire and everyone starts chanting a mantra to keep the evil spirits away. On the next day, left over ashes are collected by people the next morning and are smeared all over the body as act of purification. The fire and the burning of the statue of Holika are meant to clear the atmosphere from evilness. However, the heat resulting from the fire also portrays that winter is behind and the beautiful days of spring are ahead. It is the day where the colors of spring are born.

the last sentence is like a transition to my next paragraph about colors and their meaning

please revise my paragraph - bobpursley, Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 4:39am
I notice you use pronouns loosely: everyone, people are common. Why are these used? Who else would gather, or collect wood, or smear ashes?

An example: ...On the next morning, the ashes are collected and smeared on the worshipers skin as an act of purification.

Or... One the day of the ritual, a great wood pile is stacked outside the temple entrance. Then, on the eve...

So what I am suggesting is to vary your description of everyone, and people. For readability, shorter sentences will help.
Otherwise, it is OK. I am not certain from this paragraph where you are going with the theme.
please revise my paragraph - Writeacher, Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 7:55am
Bobpursley is right. You're using too many passive verbs when you need active verbs. For example:

One the day of the ritual, a great wood pile is stacked outside the temple entrance. <~~That's a passive voice verb I've underlined. Who stacked the wood? Sentences are much more interesting to read when the subject is actually DOING the action. Can you find the other passive verb sentences and fix them?

These websites give you more examples of passive and active voice usages -- to get you started.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html

http://www.lavc.cc.ca.us/WCweb/activepassive.html

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/passive.htm

http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/grammar/act-pass.htm

=)

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