February 23, 2017

Homework Help: essay intro paragraph revision please

Posted by Anonymous on Friday, September 28, 2007 at 10:28pm.

this is my personal essay introduction paragraph when i came to america in second grade and how it changed my life.

I sat on the airplane for seventeen hours and felt very tired just by sitting on my seat. I was wrapped in my blanket, and was watching a television show called “Friends” on the small screen TV in front of me. To be honest, I wasn’t paying attention to any of the dialogues because I was lost in my thoughts and anxiety of moving to the United States. I still had trouble absorbing the fact that I had just left my friends, my family, my home, and my country behind. “Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you remain seated and fasten your seatbelt. We will be landing shortly at the San Francisco Airport,” announced the flight attendant. The second I heard the announcement, I broke free from my blanket and opened the window on my side to look outside. The view was the most beautiful thing I ever saw in which I saw the tall buildings, houses side by side, the curvy roads with cars, and the greenery of trees and grass. That’s was the moment when I was actually looking forward to my new in life in USA. (thesis statement will be included)

Is it better to place the landing quote in the beginning or in the middle of the paragraph? If it’s in the middle, do I need to include another sentence leading to the announcement or should I leave as is?

I also need help in describing the view from the airplane. I wrote down what I saw, but I don’t know how to put in a well structured sentence. How I would I described that?

I was really impressed with the view because I live in India, and in my city, there are buildings that are no more than 6. So to come to America, and see such tall buildings made me excited. Can I write this part in my body paragraphs or include it in my intro?

Also, I want to say that this was my first time on a plane so how I would I fit that in my first sentence or do I just leave that part out?

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