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March 26, 2017

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this is my personal essay introduction paragraph when i came to america in second grade and how it changed my life.


I sat on the airplane for seventeen hours and felt very tired just by sitting on my seat. I was wrapped in my blanket, and was watching a television show called “Friends” on the small screen TV in front of me. To be honest, I wasn’t paying attention to any of the dialogues because I was lost in my thoughts and anxiety of moving to the United States. I still had trouble absorbing the fact that I had just left my friends, my family, my home, and my country behind. “Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you remain seated and fasten your seatbelt. We will be landing shortly at the San Francisco Airport,” announced the flight attendant. The second I heard the announcement, I broke free from my blanket and opened the window on my side to look outside. The view was the most beautiful thing I ever saw in which I saw the tall buildings, houses side by side, the curvy roads with cars, and the greenery of trees and grass. That’s was the moment when I was actually looking forward to my new in life in USA. (thesis statement will be included)

Is it better to place the landing quote in the beginning or in the middle of the paragraph? If it’s in the middle, do I need to include another sentence leading to the announcement or should I leave as is?


I also need help in describing the view from the airplane. I wrote down what I saw, but I don’t know how to put in a well structured sentence. How I would I described that?

I was really impressed with the view because I live in India, and in my city, there are buildings that are no more than 6. So to come to America, and see such tall buildings made me excited. Can I write this part in my body paragraphs or include it in my intro?

Also, I want to say that this was my first time on a plane so how I would I fit that in my first sentence or do I just leave that part out?

  • essay intro paragraph revision please - ,

    YOU NEED TO SET THE SCENE TO GIVE YOUR READER A BETTER UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING. USE SOMETHING LIKE, "AS A ?-YEAR-OLD BOY/GIRL, IT WAS MY FIRST TIME ON AN AIRPLANE, TRAVELING FROM MY HOME IN INDIA TO THE UNITED STATES WITH MY ???/ALONE." (THIS GIVES A CLEARER PICTURE OF "I" AND WHAT IS HAPPENING. TRY TO THINK OF PAINTING A PICTURE IN YOU READER'S MIND WITH YOUR WORDS.)


    I sat on the airplane for seventeen hours and felt very tired just by sitting on my seat. DELETE THE LAST PHRASE. I was wrapped in my blanket, and was watching a television show called “Friends” on the small screen TV in front of me. To be honest, I wasn’t paying attention to any of the dialogues COMMA because I was lost in my thoughts and anxiety of moving to the United States. I still had trouble absorbing the fact that I had just left my friends, my family, my home, and my country behind.

    USE NEW PARAGRAPH TO INDICATE CHANGE IN SPEAKERS, IDEAS, PLACES, PERSONS, OR TIMES.

    “Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you remain seated and fasten your seatbelt. We will be landing shortly at the San Francisco Airport,” announced the flight attendant. GIVE THE SOURCE OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT FIRST TO SET THE SCENE FOR THE QUOTE.

    The second I heard the announcement, I broke free from my blanket and opened the window on my side to look outside. "OPENED THE WINDOW" GIVES THE VISUAL IMPRESSION OF OPENING A WINDOW TO LET THE AIR IN, AS ONE MIGHT DO IN A HOUSE. "LOOKED DOWN" WOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC THAN "OUTSIDE" AND GIVE A CLEARER VISUAL IMAGE FOR THE READER. The view was the most beautiful thing I ever saw END SENTENCE HERE. in which DELETE PHRASE. I saw the tall buildings, houses side by side, the curvy roads with cars, and the greenery of trees and grass. That’s "THAT'S" IS A CONTRACTION OF "THAT IS," GIVING YOU TWO VERBS. was the moment when I was "FIRST?"actually looking forward to my new in life in USA.

    "I HAD COME FROM..." (DESCRIBE YOUR HOME VILLAGE OR TOWN THEN GIVE YOUR IMPRESSION OF THE CONTRASTING VIEW OF THE USA IN MORE SPECIFIC TERMS.)

    SINCE I AM NOT YOU, I CANNOT HELP YOU TO DESCRIBE WHAT YOU VIEWED. HOWEVER, THE MORE SPECIFICALLY YOU DESCRIBE THE SCENE, THE CLEARER THE PICTURE WILL BE FOR YOUR READERS.

    I HOPE THIS HELPS. THANKS FOR ASKING.

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