CoLLeGE ADmission ESSaY
posted by HELP ME PLEaSE on .
WhaT IS a PerSonaL moRaL OR SOme ExamPLEs?
If you are getting ready to write an essay for college application, first of all you need to lose the upper/lower case weirdness!! Sorry to be so blunt, but you should really be past all that if you're trying to demonstrate that you're ready for college.
Personal morals have to do with your personal values. What do you value? That is, what do you believe is truly important to you in life? (Not just trivial and materialistic things such as iPhones, clothes by a particular manufacturer, etc.)
If you'll post what YOU think your values and morals are, we will be happy to critique your thinking.
It was cold and dark, and the walls were covered in a gooey, slimy film. My Caldor-brand sneakers slid with each tenuous step, making me wish I had sprung for the Nikes with the better grip. I reached for the boy in front of me, trying to keep my balance. As we rounded the final corner, we heard squeals of laughter off the cave walls. We had reached Devil’s Chimney.
Our guide pointed her light into a small hole in the ceiling and shocked us by picking up the first girl and thrusting her into the hole. The rest of the group followed her, wriggling up the narrow passage and crawling on their stomachs along the mildewed tunnel. As each small, limber student squirmed into the passage, I stepped back, afraid that my stout stature would wedge me in the tight space or that my asthma would cause me to suffocate in the tunnels. Despite much goading and support from my leaders and fellow explorers, I refused to attempt what turned out to be a short, dry, well-lit tour.
Emerging from the cave, I sobbed at my weakness. It was hard to believe that after completing a trek through Krueger Park, South Africa, just days before, I had allowed fear to prevent me from finishing the spelunking expedition. I resolved never to allow fear to impede my actions again. I kept my promise: I wore a friendly face in a Soweto village, climbed to the top of God’s Window, and stayed alone in a local family’s home to experience their way of life (while the rest of the group was housed in pairs). During the eighteen-hour flight home, I felt proud of my accomplishments despite the rocky beginning.
Since that trip I have maintained a daredevil's sense of adventure both at home and abroad. Despite concerns about my physical condition, I went whitewater rafting and took a hot-air balloon ride over the Rockies. I ate alligator hot dogs, wildebeest, zebra, and ostrich eggs -- and I even rode the ostrich that lay them. I visited Japan, where I learned some travel-Japanese and how to eat with chopsticks and even caught our dinner while sailing to an island museum. I ate lunch with wild wallabies, relinquished my water bottle to a dingo, learned an Australian Aboriginal dance, slept in a Maori sacred building, and wiped out while street-luging down a mountain in New Zealand. I even dragged my acrophobic mother up mountains in the Auvergne, only to leave her quivering halfway up while I persevered alone to the top.
I have continued to follow this new path. I record my adventures in journals, scrapbooks, and over a thousand photos per year. As much as I love to travel, the best part of the trip is often the return home and the reflection on all that I have seen, heard, eaten, felt, and achieved. I would not have as much to reflect upon without first experiencing fear that day in Devil's Chimney.
If you want someone to proofread or critique this essay, please post it as a new question. Be sure to explain WHY you're posting it.
If this is an essay to gain college admittance, it is much too wordy, too choppy. What are you trying to say here...that you are brave?
Colleges are looking for students who can think (analyze), and express that thinking on paper in a coherent, interesting, and brief (to the point) manner.
Some of this is interesting, but it is hard to read. I am uncertain what you are trying to tell the college. You ought to be telling them how equipped and interested in doing things for the greater community, and how college will fit in with that.
I have ranked college admittance essays, and yours would not go to the top of the stack as written.