I had to right an essay in English and i was wondering if anyone could critique it. The topic is "Once you have completed your education, would you return to your hometown to begin your adult life? Why/Why not?"
Here is my Essay:
I have lived in the Poquoson for fifteen years. The small town life may be for some people, but it’s not for me. I plan to move away from my hometown after I graduate from school and am ready to make my way in the world.
One reason that I have chosen not to live in Poquoson after graduation is that my career will not allow me to live in a small town environment. I plan to have a career in international relations or law, and my ultimate goal is to work for one of the branches of the United Nations. If I were to live in Poquoson that would be much harder to do than if I lived in a larger city like New York, Boston, or Washington D.C. As my career will require a lot of traveling a big city would be a better place to travel out of than a small town. This is especially true for the international travels I will be taking.
If I do decide to go into law or something internationally oriented I will need some familiarity with other cultures. However, with a small town like Poquoson that is almost impossible. In my town there is not much racial or ethnic diversity. If I am going to travel the world then I need to be exposed to cultures that aren’t present in Poquoson.
The main reason that I have decided not to live in my hometown is that I love big city life. When I visited New York City, Boston, and Washington D.C. my favorite thing to do was to walk around the city. I enjoy the business of the city and the fact that there is always something to do. The best thing about big cities is that every time a person leaves their home they see someone and something new. Big city life seems like a very exciting life to lead, at least it seems that way to me.
Although I can’t say for sure whether or not I will live in my hometown after school, I am pretty positive that I will move to a big city like New York, Boston, or Washington D.C. Even though I want to live in a big city, it doesn’t mean that after living there for years I might not come back home to raise my family.
I think your whole essay didn't post, right? There are more than three sentences in your essay, correct?
I have lived in the Poquoson <~~if that's the name of the town, then delete the word "the" for fifteen years. The small town<~~hyphenate so it reads "small-town" life may be for some people, but it’s not for me. I plan to move away from my hometown after I graduate from school and am ready to make my way in the world.
Please repost with your entire essay in it. The essay, of course, should include your reasons, and explanations of each reason.
=)
no help wat so ever
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If I could live anywhere in the world it will be in Dallas Texas. It have a
Essay critique:
Overall, your essay provides a clear argument for why you do not plan to return to your hometown after completing your education. However, there are a few areas where you could improve your essay:
1. Introduction: Consider adding a strong hook or attention-grabbing sentence to engage the reader from the beginning.
2. Thesis statement: While you mention your career goals and desire to work for the United Nations, it would be beneficial to explicitly state in your thesis statement that your career aspirations and the opportunities available in a big city are the main reasons for not returning to your hometown.
3. Development of arguments: While you briefly mention the challenges of pursuing a career in international relations or law in a small town, it would be helpful to provide specific examples or statistics to support your claims. Additionally, expanding on the benefits of being exposed to different cultures and the impact it could have on your career would strengthen your argument.
4. Transitioning between paragraphs: Use transitional words or phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next. This will improve the overall flow of your essay.
5. Conclusion: Restate your thesis and summarize your main points. Additionally, consider adding a sentence or two that reflects on how returning to your hometown in the future is a possibility, especially if it aligns with your potential plans to raise a family.
To improve your essay further, I recommend seeking feedback from your peers, teachers, or utilizing online writing communities. It's always helpful to get different perspectives and suggestions for improvement. Good luck!