Posted by Amanda on .
I had to right an essay in English and i was wondering if anyone could critique it. The topic is "Once you have completed your education, would you return to your hometown to begin your adult life? Why/Why not?"
Here is my Essay:
I have lived in the Poquoson for fifteen years. The small town life may be for some people, but it’s not for me. I plan to move away from my hometown after I graduate from school and am ready to make my way in the world.
One reason that I have chosen not to live in Poquoson after graduation is that my career will not allow me to live in a small town environment. I plan to have a career in international relations or law, and my ultimate goal is to work for one of the branches of the United Nations. If I were to live in Poquoson that would be much harder to do than if I lived in a larger city like New York, Boston, or Washington D.C. As my career will require a lot of traveling a big city would be a better place to travel out of than a small town. This is especially true for the international travels I will be taking.
If I do decide to go into law or something internationally oriented I will need some familiarity with other cultures. However, with a small town like Poquoson that is almost impossible. In my town there is not much racial or ethnic diversity. If I am going to travel the world then I need to be exposed to cultures that aren’t present in Poquoson.
The main reason that I have decided not to live in my hometown is that I love big city life. When I visited New York City, Boston, and Washington D.C. my favorite thing to do was to walk around the city. I enjoy the business of the city and the fact that there is always something to do. The best thing about big cities is that every time a person leaves their home they see someone and something new. Big city life seems like a very exciting life to lead, at least it seems that way to me.
Although I can’t say for sure whether or not I will live in my hometown after school, I am pretty positive that I will move to a big city like New York, Boston, or Washington D.C. Even though I want to live in a big city, it doesn’t mean that after living there for years I might not come back home to raise my family.
I think your whole essay didn't post, right? There are more than three sentences in your essay, correct?
I have lived in the Poquoson <~~if that's the name of the town, then delete the word "the" for fifteen years. The small town<~~hyphenate so it reads "small-town" life may be for some people, but it’s not for me. I plan to move away from my hometown after I graduate from school and am ready to make my way in the world.
Please repost with your entire essay in it. The essay, of course, should include your reasons, and explanations of each reason.
Thank you for using the Jiskha Homework Help Forum. Hopefully the 3 sentences do not make an essay. Why not begin with the "prompt?" Although the essay is to be about you, try to avoid overusing the word "I." Here are some guidelines on writing an essay:
Five-Paragraph Essay Structure
The introductory paragraph begins with a general statement. This paragraph has the purpose of interesting the reader in your topic. It will also give a short history or statement of relevance. This will show the readers why the topic is of importance to them personally. The last sentence of the introduction is your thesis: a concise statement of what you are going to prove or explain. For the first paragraph, think of an inverted pyramid, from a general statement to the focus point, the thesis.
Before writing the middle paragraphs, think of three main ideas that will support your thesis statement. Each of these three main ideas will be the topic sentence of one of these paragraphs. Essentially, you are saying that if points A, B, and C are true, then my thesis statement is true.
In writing one of these middle (body) paragraphs, begin with the topic sentence. Then think of three pieces of supporting evidence that will prove that idea correct. Quotations, statistics, examples, and analogies are all good support. Then the last sentence of each paragraph is a discovery or conclusion that you can make based on the support. Make sure that you do not wander in your paragraph; stick to the topic sentence.
Use a transitional word to begin the third and fourth paragraphs. some examples of transitional words and phrases are these:
All these are a few of the ways to link the first idea to the second idea.
The final paragraph can be called the Big E: epiphany or discovery. Based on paragraphs, A, B, and C, what did you discover about your thesis or what kind of conclusion can you make? This paragraph is constructed from the specific to general. How might the discovery made here affect a larger venue, audience, or longer time?
The key to good five-paragraph essay writing is structural integrity. If every topic sentence is tied to the thesis, every paragraph discovery statement is tied to the conclusion, and every sentence inside a paragraph supports the topic sentence of that paragraph, then you will have a focused, well constructed paper. You should be able to read your paper backward or forward and see the logical progression of thought.
The second aspect of writing is much more subjective. You have to be in your paper. Your humor and your perspective will make the paper more interesting. Writing is an extremely personal mode of expression, not just stringing impressive words together.
no help wat so ever
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