Posted by Jess on .
Identify the problems and revise the following paragraph. Keep in mind that in revision, you don’t necessarily use or keep only the sentences there. You may have to add words, phrases, and even a sentence or two.
The Gateway Arch in St. Louis is a 630-foot stainless steel arch. It marks the most prominent point of embarkation for those who traveled into the new territories. A Museum of Westward Expansion, near the arch, commemorates the frontier experience. Inside the steel structure is a contraption like a Ferris wheel that travels to the apex of the arch. The small windows provide a thirty-mile view in any direction. On the Mississippi River, tied to a dock near the arch, is a fast-food restaurant designed to look like a riverboat.
This is what I got if anyone has any further suggestions:
The Gateway Arch is a 630-foot stainless steel arch in St. Louis. Inside the arch is a contraption, like a Ferris wheel, that carries riders to the apex of the arch. From there, small windows provide the riders with a thirty-mile view in any direction. It was erected to commemorate St. Louis's role as the major point of embarkation for those who traveled into the West. This was where Easterners became Westerners. The Museum of Westward Expansion, near the arch, commemorates the frontier experience.
On the Mississippi River, tied to a dock near the arch, is a fast-food restaurant designed to look like a riverboat.
This sounds great with one exception. The last sentence needs to be incorporated into the paragraph.
I might do something like this. To enhance the imagery of the past, the nearby restaurant on the Mississippi river is designed to resemble a riverboat.
Your changes are good, but you might want to consider some different terms.
"Contraption" has a negative connotation, so you might want to use something likegmechanism.h
Depending on your audience, you might want to use more common words forgapexhandgembarkation,hlikegtophand
Since the arch does not stand for the whole frontier experience, it might be better to use "...this frontier experience."
I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.