Posted by kate on Saturday, January 13, 2007 at 10:53pm.
Thank you for anyone that helps me about my college application.
(Thank you for your suggestions, Writeacher, I re-writed my paragraph.)
In the space provided below, please describe which of these activities has had the most meaning for you, and why.
I was elected as the president of the class of 2007 in high school. My job was to supervise students as they participated in school and community activities and to coordinate teachers that give students academic helps. I organized the 2005 New Year¡¯s Overnight Carnival and assisted members of my class to participate in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sports Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a strong friendship between students in my high school and the Children in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, I have successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help for many students who were struggling in their schoolwork. As president, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I developed this skill in high school that will be helpful for me when I go to college. I contacted with many people and listened to many opinions when I was a president. I found that listening can provide a good leadership. So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college. In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions. Listening means thinking, since I can analysis what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from others speeches. College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world.
I find it to be too general, and too disorganized. The length seems a bit long, but may fit some word limit that was imposed. There are some grammatical errors. A structure of paragraphs, one per activity, would help. The language is awkward in places. It does not address the questions "which and why" at the top. Is that something you were supposed to do or you want someone else to do?
Those are my opinions. I think they would be shared by some members of an admissions committee. I am hoping that one of our writing teachers will also respond with more specific suggestions.
Thank you...So, what specific part I need to rewrite? Since the due day is tomorrow...Your help will be meaningful for me.
Here are some specific suggestions. You decide if you want to make them or not, and then go with what you have. The admissions committee should make some allowances for your possible unfamiliarity with English, and recognize your potential and willingness to work hard.
Eliminate the following sentences, which are too general or (in the first case) somewhat dubious:
Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person.
I am glad that I developed this skill in high school that will be helpful for me when I go to college.
So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college.
In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions.
College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world.
Change the following sentences as indicated, or something similar. i changed some words and/or punctuation
I found that listening is essential to good leadership.
Listening means thinking, since I can analyze what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from what others say.
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