Posted by kate on Saturday, January 13, 2007 at 1:16pm.
I wish you could help me the short answer of my college application essay.
Please briefly elaborate on one of your activities.
I was elected as the President of the class of 2007 in high school. My job of being a President was to supervise students participating in school and community activities and coordinate teachers. I organized the 2005 New Year¡¯s Overnight Carnival, and assisted members of my class to participate in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sport Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a profound friendship between students in my high school and the kids in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, one of my significant coordination with teachers was to successfully develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help for many students with needs. As working in the president position, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I had developed this elaborate skill in high school that will be more helpful for me when I go to the college.
I was elected president
of the class of 2007 in high school. My job of being a President<~~delete "of being a President"
was to supervise students as they participated
in school and community activities and to
coordinate teachers<~~THAT needs some explaining! Coordinate teachers in what ways??
. I organized the 2005 New Year's Overnight Carnival,<~~delete comma
and assisted members of my class as they participated
in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sports
Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a profound<~~You need a different word here; "strong" would be better.
friendship between students in my high school and the kids<~~slang; maybe "youngsters" or "students" or "children" or "young people"
in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, one of my significant coordination with teachers<~~awkward phrasing; please re-do "one of ... teachers"
was to successfully develop a Night Classes program to give
extra help for many students with needs<~~explain -- what kinds of needs?
. As president
, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I had<~~delete this word; makes the wrong tense
developed this elaborate<~~????
skill in high school that will be more helpful<~~more helpful than what? If you're not going to complete the comparison, then delete the word "more."
for me when I go to the<~~delete this word
college.<~~How will this be helpful in college?
Be sure you learn from EVERY ONE of the corrections made above. If you keep repeating the original errors, then you'll have a tough time surviving in college/university-level classes.
Use these sites; add them to your favorites; refer to them FREQUENTLY.
Be sure to use the entire site, including the submenus that show up in the different levels; there's help here for both grammar and for writing.
Be sure to use the entire site, not just what shows up in the first screen; there's help here for both grammar and for writing.
Use the Stuff for Students column.
Answer This Question
More Related Questions
- Question about college application - I had submitted a college application essay...
- College Application - I am filling out a college application to a university in ...
- College Essay - Is any one can help me to revise my college application? Thank ...
- Alg2 - For a college application, Macawi must select one of five topics on which...
- Compare two college essays, everyone please come!! - I come back... and bring an...
- Writing - application essay - I am writing an application essay to try and get ...
- College - My dream is to go to Harvard University. When I grow up I want to ...
- college application short response - Thank you for anyone that helps me about my...
- history - HOW DOES the number of electoral college votes a presidential ...
- Honors Application - I am filling out an Honors application for English/History...