Posted by kate on Saturday, January 13, 2007 at 1:16pm.
I wish you could help me the short answer of my college application essay.
Please briefly elaborate on one of your activities.
I was elected as the President of the class of 2007 in high school. My job of being a President was to supervise students participating in school and community activities and coordinate teachers. I organized the 2005 New Year¡¯s Overnight Carnival, and assisted members of my class to participate in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sport Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a profound friendship between students in my high school and the kids in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, one of my significant coordination with teachers was to successfully develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help for many students with needs. As working in the president position, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I had developed this elaborate skill in high school that will be more helpful for me when I go to the college.
I was elected president
of the class of 2007 in high school. My job of being a President<~~delete "of being a President"
was to supervise students as they participated
in school and community activities and to
coordinate teachers<~~THAT needs some explaining! Coordinate teachers in what ways??
. I organized the 2005 New Year's Overnight Carnival,<~~delete comma
and assisted members of my class as they participated
in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sports
Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a profound<~~You need a different word here; "strong" would be better.
friendship between students in my high school and the kids<~~slang; maybe "youngsters" or "students" or "children" or "young people"
in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, one of my significant coordination with teachers<~~awkward phrasing; please re-do "one of ... teachers"
was to successfully develop a Night Classes program to give
extra help for many students with needs<~~explain -- what kinds of needs?
. As president
, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I had<~~delete this word; makes the wrong tense
developed this elaborate<~~????
skill in high school that will be more helpful<~~more helpful than what? If you're not going to complete the comparison, then delete the word "more."
for me when I go to the<~~delete this word
college.<~~How will this be helpful in college?
Be sure you learn from EVERY ONE of the corrections made above. If you keep repeating the original errors, then you'll have a tough time surviving in college/university-level classes.
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