Posted by Sarah on Thursday, December 7, 2006 at 5:04pm.
Could you give me some feedback on the first page of my story for an English narrative assessment?
Tell me what I could improve (descriptions, phrases, ect...) and what sounds wrong, if that's OK.
Here it is:
It all started the day Jules McGregor moved to our school. I thought nothing of him at first, just another person to stand behind in the dinner queue.
My best friend, Felix, didn’t think much of him either. Felix is the sort of person who seems to know you within the first ten seconds of meeting. He has dark black eyes that seem to penetrate your soul, giving you an uneasy feeling that he can hear what you’re thinking. Although Felix is Spanish, he has pale skin, which seems luminous in the dark of the night, when the street lamps light up his exceptional face. He is my only friend in the world.
Felix and I were huddled in the corner at the back of the class room when we first saw Jules. He was tall and lanky with spiky black hair. His eyes were blue and shining with fear. Although he was trying to appear nonchalant, you could see the apprehension radiating off him.
He ambled to the row in front of me and lowered himself onto the hard, plastic chair. Glancing at the teacher, he bit his lip and then sighed.
“Want to bet he ends up a library geek?” smirked Felix.
I raised an eyebrow, “other’s misery is your joy,” I replied with a knowing grin.
We stared at Jules, assessing whether he was worthy of our attention. He seemed to be lost in his own world, grinding his teeth and staring down at his hands. He seemed ordinary, normal, common.
Common doesn’t deserve our attention. We don’t follow the crowd: we have our own minds. We aren’t brainwashed by vulgar raps and anorexic models telling us to buy one label or another.
Call us what you like, to us you are a void of nothingness.
That’s the way it’s always been; Felix and I against the world. That’s the way I always wanted it to be.
School years were deteriorating fast, and collage was rapidly approaching; we didn’t care what happened during these trivial years, soon it would all be over and reality would start.
It amused us to see those deemed to be popular fussing over insignificant things like their hair, the prom and their boyfriends. None of that would matter to them when they are young mothers, struggling to earn the minimum wage. We didn’t give them the time of day, we past by with cold faces and raised eyebrows at their stupidity.
Each day seemed to be the same. Nothing ever happened that defined the day, thus all seemed to merge into one. The only thing that changed was the weather, which varied from raining to cloudy.
But that day was one that I would always remember, though if you would have told me then that that day would be the most defining day of my life I would have laughed in your face.
The day passed as it always had: mocking the dim-witted remarks that people made, trying hard to fall asleep though lessons, spending dinner listening to Felix’s iPod, counting down the minutes left until school finishes.
When I was walking to home from school with Felix, we saw Jules again, walking in on the opposite side of the road. His posture was hunched and his face expressionless. He was wearing a khaki coat with a symbol of a bleeding heart on the back. His bag was swung casually over his shoulder, with intent. He glanced up at us, I smiled but Felix remained stone faced. I nudged him. He looked at me and rolled his eyes, I raised my eyebrows. He gave Jules a huge, false smile; showing off his gleaming, white vampire like teeth.
I will show where I think that there needs to be corrections:
It all started the day Jules McGregor moved to our school. I thought nothing of him at first, just another person to stand behind in the dinner queue.
My best friend, Felix, didn’t think much of him either. Felix is the sort of person who seems to know you within the first ten seconds of meeting. He has dark black eyes that seem to penetrate your soul, giving you an uneasy feeling that he can hear what you’re thinking. Although Felix is Spanish, he has pale skin, which seems luminous in the dark of the night, when the street lamps light up his exceptional face. He is my only friend in the world.
Felix and I were huddled in the corner at the back of the class room when we first saw Jules. He was tall and lanky with spiky black hair. His eyes were blue and shining with fear. Although he was trying to appear nonchalant, you could see the apprehension radiating off him.
He ambled to the row in front of me and lowered himself onto the hard, plastic chair. Glancing at the teacher, he bit his lip and then sighed.
“Want to bet he ends up a library geek?” smirked Felix.
I raised an eyebrow, “Other’s misery is your joy,” I replied with a knowing grin.
We stared at Jules, assessing whether he was worthy of our attention. He seemed to be lost in his own world, grinding his teeth and staring down at his hands. He seemed ordinary, normal, common.
Common doesn’t deserve our attention. We don’t follow the crowd: we have our own minds. We aren’t brainwashed by vulgar raps and anorexic models telling us to buy one label or another.
Call us what you like, to us you are a void of nothingness.
That’s the way it’s always been; Felix and I against the world. That’s the way I always wanted it to be.
School years were deteriorating fast, and collage was rapidly approaching; we didn’t care what happened during these trivial years, soon it would all be over and reality would start.
It amused us to see those deemed to be popular fussing over insignificant things like their hair, the prom and their boyfriends. None of that would matter to them when they are young mothers, struggling to earn the minimum wage. We didn’t give them the time of day, we past by with cold faces and raised eyebrows at their stupidity.
Each day seemed to be the same. Nothing ever happened that defined the day, thus all seemed to merge into one. The only thing that changed was the weather, which varied from raining to cloudy.
But that day was one that I would always remember, though if you would have told me then that that day would be the most defining day of my life I would have laughed in your face.
The day passed as it always had: mocking the dim-witted remarks that people made, trying hard to fall asleep though lessons, spending dinner listening to Felix’s iPod, counting down the minutes left until school finishes.
When I was walking to home from school with Felix, we saw Jules again, walking in on the opposite side of the road. His posture was hunched and his face expressionless. He was wearing a khaki coat with a symbol of a bleeding heart on the back. His bag was swung casually over his shoulder, with intent. He glanced up at us, I smiled but Felix remained stone faced. I nudged him. He looked at me and rolled his eyes, I raised my eyebrows. He gave Jules a huge, false smile; showing off his gleaming, white vampire like teeth.
By the way, there weren't many mistakes, maybe one or two even.
You are a wonderful writer! :)
Thanks alot :)
Your welcome! :)
Oh, and just in case, make sure that you indent (I know it doesn't show up on here). You have a lot af potential.
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