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December 22, 2014

Homework Help: Topic of College Essay -- Draft

Posted by Jenni on Thursday, November 23, 2006 at 10:43am.

Any one can help me to revise this college essay? It is very important for me, your help will me invaluable for me!!
Thank you!

Question:
At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the UM community? (2-3 page double space)

327 days ago, through 14 hours¡¯ 8579 miles flight, I finally stood in the land of United States. The flesh air in Washington D.C. woke me up from long time a journey¡¯s drowse. I looked around, drizzles made the sky over Dulles Airport hazy. Without exciting, I dragged my heavy suitcase passed through the airport big buildings, hallways, and parking lot. Every thing was gray in my eye, the sky, buildings, ground, people, and even buses. Is this America? Am I sitting on the long time flight and still dreaming? A Chinese family picked my families and me from the airport. I felt uncomfortable by looking at the sidewalk, no skyscrapers, no colorful neon lights, no huge advertisements. When the car was running in the endless highway I doubt that if I was sent to a never-land. Disappointed, that was my first impression of the new life in United States.
The following days did not become much better. The biggest problem I encountered was language barrier. I remembered one day I was walking with my dad on the street, when a lady said ¡°hello¡± to us, my reaction was, said ¡°hello¡± to her in CHINESE. Actually no one else in my family could speak English at that time, because of this, I became the one who negotiated with owners in order to rent an apartment, and dealt with monthly bills; who read any English contracts and mails, and even bargained in the supermarkets, although my English skills were still limited. Another problem I had to cope with was loneliness. I remembered the day was Christmas when I was in the air plane which departed from China, everyone else was going home and _______ with their families, but I had to leave my mum, leave my grandma, leave my friends, and leave the city I had been lived for seventeen years. The first few periods I always cried at night. Things that had happened in the past seventeen years always came to my mind, even in my dreams everyday were all about my hometown. There was not telephone or internet at home, I completely lost contact with them. Once a Chinese little boy gave me some Chinese songs, then I listened to them at dinner myself, I cried, how familiar those melodies were. I imaged that I was walking on the campus in my old school; I was hanging out with my friends at the table.____________________ ( any sentence can be filled here?) The transitions here in school were rough. I could not understand what my classmates were talking about or laughing at; every lunch I had to sit alone because I did not have friends to sit with. I totally isolated myself from the ______ (???). The relationships among members of my family became more and more complicated, my dad had bad mood and complain how _____ ( need an adj. describe bad) our lives were day and night since he could not find a job due to his language barrier. He had ever told me, my life brimmed with hardships everywhere, but never had such bitter like now. Later, he decided to bring me back to China. He said he could not offer a good living here for me. I came here for my future, for my dream, however, if I had been told to leave, which I should choose? I persist in my goal -- I want to study in America, I told my father. I tried to show him how things could change. Everything from laundry to bills became my responsibility, while I still kept my grades high. When the first time I got straight As on my report card and showed him, he smiled. He said I became a more independent young woman after I came to the United States. Now my dream is not for myself, but for my father. His struggles are my struggles. I should study harder and harder, I should go to college, to pursue further knowledge, to change our life, to let him be proud of me.
These hardships I experienced became invaluable to my life. I joined Howard County Health Expo few months ago. As an interpreter, I helped some elders who came from China to get to know about Howard County¡¯s healthy care system, and assisted them to finish health inspections. By talking to them, I knew that they had children and relatives here; they were still lonely, because they were new to this country. I can understand their feelings since I had experienced how hard the transitions were.
Not everyone is lucky enough to live in two different worlds. I am familiar with Chinese culture and able to adapt to America¡¯s life. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to UM since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardships in adjusting to the new environment when they first come, so I will be of assistance to them. UM is a diverse community, students here come from different places. I am planning to organize an America Help Union in the UM if I could be part of the school. The purpose of this union is to help those people who are new in this country. At the same time, I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the UM community, making it not only a university, but also a world village.


Wow! I can only share a few of the feelings you had with your problems coming to the United States. It sounds almost overwhelming. I'm glad you stayed with your dream.

I think it would be helpful to reduce the discussion of your experiences and summarize them in one or two paragraphs.

The last two paragraphs are very good. There are some typographical errors, but right now I don't have time to go over all of them. However, there seems to be some problems with possessives. For example, "Howard County's" health care system. I don't know what keys you are pressing to get those symbols, but the apostrophe that should be between the "y" and the "s" is obtained by pressing the key just to the left of the <return> key.

I hope this helps a little. Have a nice Thanksgiving.

I am starting with your request question itself, to change the structure from Chinese to English.

Can anyone help me revise my college entrance essay? It is very important to me.Any help you could give would be invaluable to me, thank you.

Three hundred and twenty seven days ago I arrived in the Uninted States of America. The crisp air of Washington D.C. woke me up from a long journy's drowze. A light drizzle made the skies over Dulles airport hazy. Without the excitement I had expected to feel, I dragged my heavy bags to the parking lot. Everything was grey, the sky, the buildings, the busses, even the people. I wondered if I was still asleep on the airplane. It was nothing like I had expected, I was very disapointed. In my hometown of [insert the name of your town here],in China, there is no internet or telephone service so I have no way to speak with my mother, my grandmother, or any of the people I had spent my seventeen years of life with. A young chinese boy gave me some songs from China, as I listened to them at dinner I was so homesick, I cried. I fought depression and kept going, through the isolation I felt when my new friends would laugh at somthing I could not yet understand and, through my father's depression at not geing able to find work due to his lack of english skills. He became so dispondant that he wanted to take me back to China. when I brought him my report card with streight A's he was very encouraged, saying I had become a much more independant young woman since coming to the Uninted States.
As the only person in my family who spoke any english, I was the interpreter for all transactions. I negotiated the rental of our apartment, delt with the bills, contracts and all the mail we recieved. I was also the shopper, did the laundry and, kept my grades high through it all. I want to continue making my family (and myself) proud by entering an exelent college and doing as well as I have been in my current studies.
Working through the diffuculties during my time here has become very benifical. A few months ago I joined the Howard County Health Fair. As an interpreter i was able to help some Chinese Elders learn about howard County's health care system, assisting them in finishing thier health inspections. As i helped them I saw the same lonliness I had experienced as they made the transition to a completly different culture.
I am lucky to have the experiences of two cultures. I know chinese culture and its perticular diffuculties in making the transition to American culture. If I become a member of the U of M's diverse student body, I can be of great value by helping those who are new to America, possably by begining an "America Help" Union to assist these students or, by joining an existing group that does that. I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the U of M comunity, making it not only a great university, but a world village.

I believe you are an exelent addition to my country and I am honored to have had the oppertunity to help you. Thank you for being so strong for your father, he is very lucky to have a daughter like you.

My rewrite is in no way perfect in grammer, spelling or content. I intend it as a sample of english phrase framework and, an attempt to follow the suggestions of PsyDAG.
Please continue to honor us with your presence as you continue your exelent work on this and any future questions you may have.
Ken, Editor, Wild Word poetry and arts magazine, assorted textbooks and, almost anything else that passes before my eyes :)

as i see what I did in normal text arangement (outside the answer box) I see that I removed too much.

Wild Word is no longer in production, by the way. I was not advertising, just being a bit less anonamous as a way to return the honor fo being able to help in this project.

Thank you for your nicely help.
Thank you, PsyDAG and Ken.

Now my essay becomes an excellent essay after your advices.
But maybe it is a little short, since this college I apply require 2-3 page double spaced essay. I will keep working on it, and will post it here again.

Another thing I want to know is, if you are a admission staff in college, what you will think about my essay, and about myself, please feel free to tell me anything you may come up with, so I can do it better, thank you.

Now that I have a little more time, I will work with Ken's revision.

Three hundred and twenty seven days agoComma I arrived in the United States of America. The crisp air of Washington D.C. woke me up from a long journy's drowze "doze" might be better.. A light drizzle made the skies over Dulles airport Capitalize Airport when it is in the name of aspecific airport. hazy. Without the excitement I had expected to feel, I dragged my heavy bags to the parking lot. Everything was grey, the sky, the buildings, the busses, even the people. I wondered if I was still asleep on the airplane. It was nothing like I had expected,When not using a conjunction (and, but), use a semicolon (;) to connect parts of sentence. I was very disapointed. Use the spell checker on your computer to deal with your spelling problems. In my hometown of [insert the name of your town here] in China, there is no internet or telephone service so I have no way to speak with my mother, my grandmother, or any of the people I had spent my seventeen years of life with. A young chinese Capitalize "Chinese" and other specific country designations. boy gave me some songs from China, as I listened to them at dinner I was so homesick, I cried. It is better to split the previous sentence into two sentences for clarity. I fought depression and kept going, through the isolation I felt when my new friends would laugh at somthing I could not yet understand. Because your father's feelings are a change in subject, start a new paragraph to indicate achange in subject, time, place or person. You can indicate a new paragraph by either indenting or skipping a line.

and, through my father's depression at not geing able to find work due to his lack of english skills. Modify this sentence to begin paragraph. He became so dispondant that he wanted to take me back to China. when Capitalize. I brought him my report card with streight Spelling A'sComma he was very encouraged, saying I had become a much more independantSp young woman since coming to the UnintedSp States.

As the only person in my family who spoke any englishCap, I was the interpreter for all transactions. I negotiated the rental of our apartment, deltSp with the bills, contracts and all the mail we recievedSp. I was also the shopper, did the laundry and,Comma before the conjunction. kept my grades high through it all. I want to continue making my family (and myself) proud by entering an exelentSp college and doing as well as I have been in my current studies.

Working through the diffuculties during my time here has become very benifical. A few months agoComma I joined the Howard County Health Fair. As an interpreter Comma i Cap was able to help some Chinese Elders No cap. learn about howard County's health care system Name of specific organization all in caps., assisting them in finishing thier health inspections. As iCap helped themComma. I saw the same lonliness I had experienced as they made the transition to a completly different culture.

I am lucky to have the experiences of two cultures. I know chineseCap culture and its perticularSp diffuculties in making the transition to American culture. If I become a member of the U of M's Spell out, at least the first time you use it, so readers know the meaning of the abbreviation.. diverse student body, I can be of great value by helping those who are new to America, possablySp by begining Sp an "America Help" Not sure of reason for quote marks. Union to assist these students or, No comma. by joining an existing group that does that. I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the U of M comunity, making it not only a great university, but a world village.

This site might help you with your comma usage:

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/comma.html

I hope this helps a little more. Best of luck. Thanks for asking.

Yeah, it helps, and the website is very helpful to me.
Thank you.
I will keep working on it.

May I ask you what do you think after you read this essay if you are an admission staff?

From the essay, I admire your perseverance, keeping going in the face of adversity. (If some of my words are unfamiliar for your vocabulary, look them up. It will expand your knowledge.)

I would see you as a good prospect. However, the admissions staff have to consider how many openings are available in relation to the number of applications and the qualities of the other applicants. If you are applying as an undergraduate (to obtain a bachelor's degree), you should have no problems. However, if you are applying for graduate training (a master's degree or doctorate), the competition is much harder.

I hope this helps. Good luck. Thanks again for asking.

Yes, I apply for undergraduate schools.
Since there are more and more immigrants come to the United States, I do not know how they are going to tell their experiences, that may be a reason that the admissions become competetive for me.

Thank you for helping me learn more vocabulary. =)

  • Topic of College Essay -- Draft - Loenie, Sunday, March 21, 2010 at 1:22pm

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