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April 23, 2014

Homework Help: Grammatical Corrections in my Essay...?

Posted by Sarah on Friday, November 10, 2006 at 12:14pm.

Here's my essay, about the most important event in the 60s. It's for history. Could you let me know if there's any gramatical mistakes, or make suggestions?

Hiya, I had to write an essay about the most important event in the 60s.
Here is my essay:

The Space Race

On the 20th July 1969, the human race accomplished its single greatest achievement of all time: when a human first set foot on another celestial body.
This was the most important event of not only the 60s but of the 20th century.


After WW2 had finished, tension between the world’s super powers, America and Russia, had grown. They were locked in a cold war of espionage and propaganda and were trying to show which country was stronger, and, more importantly, which system worked better: communism or democracy.

John F. Kennedy, who was the president of America at the time, said:

“Everything we do ought to really be tied into getting onto the moon, ahead of the Russians… otherwise we shouldn’t be spending that kind of money, because I’m not interested in space… the only justification for the cost is that we hope to beat the USSR, to demonstrate that instead of being behind a couple of years, by god, we have passed them.”

This quote is extremely reliable as this speech, which Kennedy gave, was witnessed by millions. What this quote shows is that the Americans were only trying to get in space to beat the Russians, rather than to improve their technology.
The space race was an important part of cultural, technological and ideological rivalry. Each country was trying to show the other their potential military applications, trying to intimidate the other. However they were also trying to win to boost moral in their country’s population.

Prior to Neil Armstrong being the first man on the moon, many things were sent into space; animals, the first animal was sent by the USSR; people, the first person, Yuri Gagarin, also sent by Russia and woman, also sent by Russia. The USA was getting desperate.

Doreen Stimpson, who was 40 years old at the time, was teaching during the 60s. She said:

“All of my students wanted to talk about that in class instead of chemistry. The moon landing was the subject between cups of coffee and between classes with faculty members.”

This shows that the space race had a tremendous effect, not only on those who were involved, but the average citizen too.

Finally, after one failed attempt, Neil Armstrong, representing the USA, first set foot on the moon, on the 20th July 1969, at 4:17pm. Armstrong was shortly followed by “Buzz” Aldrin. The Americans had won the space race.

Michael Jones, who was 37 at the time, said:

“ Every moment of it I sat there mesmerized in tears. It was a time of great national pride: we had just taken a huge step into the future.”

The space race is no doubt the most important moment of the 60s. There will always be another war, another bomb, another death but there will never again be another time when the first person steps foot on another planet.

Could you please post any corrections and/or suggestions?

First of all, do not expect an immediate response to your post. It takes time to proofread and many of our tutors only come on once a day. (We have our won lives to live too.) Now on to the proofreading.

On the July 20, 1969, the human race accomplished its single greatest achievement of all time: when a human first set foot on another celestial body. This was the most important event (of not only the 1960s but)Can omit phrase in parentheses for easier reading. of the 20th century.


After WW2 Either use roman numerals (WW II) or spell out completely. had finished, tension between the world's super powers, America and Russia, had grown. They were locked in a cold war of espionage and propaganda and were trying to show which country was stronger, and, more importantly, which system worked better: communism or democracy.

John F. Kennedy, who was the president of America "the United States" The Americas include the whole western hemisphere. at the time, said:

Everything we do ought to really be tied into getting onto the moon, ahead of the Russians; otherwise we shouldn't be spending that kind of money, because I'm not interested in space; the only justification for the cost is that we hope to beat the USSR, to demonstrate that instead of being behind a couple of years, by god, Isn't God capitalized in the quote? we have passed them.

This quote is extremely reliable "Reliable" means consistent or trustworthy. How does the size of the audience make it reliable? Do you want some other term? as this speech, which Kennedy gave, was witnessed by millions. What this quote shows is that the Americans were only trying to get in space to beat the Russians, rather than to improve their technology. The space race was an important part of cultural, technological and ideological rivalry. Each country was trying to show the each other their the? potential military applications, trying to intimidate the other. However Comma they were also trying to win Can omit "to win." to boost moral in their country's population.

Prior to Neil Armstrong being the first man on the moon, many things were sent into space; animals, the first animal was sent by the USSR; people, the first person, Yuri Gagarin, also sent by Russia and woman, also sent by Russia. Separate into two or more sentences for easier reading. The USA was getting desperate.

Doreen Stimpson, who was 40 years old at the time, was teaching during the 1960s. She said:

All of my students wanted to talk about that in class instead of chemistry. The moon landing was the subject between cups of coffee and between classes with faculty members.

This shows that the space race had a tremendous effect, not only on those who were involved, but the average citizen too.

Finally, after one failed attempt, Neil Armstrong, representing the USA, first set foot on the moon, on July 20, 1969, at 4:17pm. Armstrong was shortly followed by Use real first name beside nickname"Buzz" Aldrin. The Americans had won the space race.

Michael Jones, who was 37 at the time, said: Can you identify Michael with anything more than his age? Occupation, for example.

Every moment of it I sat there mesmerized in tears. It was a time of great national pride: we had just taken a huge step into the future.

The space race is no doubt the most important moment of the 1960s. There will always be another war, another bomb, another death but there will never again be another time when the first person steps foot on another planet. First, the moon is not considered a planet. Second, how about the first person on Mars?

In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)

If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.

Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.

I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.

In addition to the terrific comments PsyDAG has given you, you need to pay attention to paragraphing. Generally, in essays, the introduction should be 4-5 sentences, each paragraph in the body of the paper should be 6-10** sentences, and the conclusion should be 4-8 sentences. No paragraphs are only one sentence long.

http://www.arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/hypergrammar/paragrph.html

http://nutsandbolts.washcoll.edu/middle.htm
Also see the sections for Introduction and Conclusion in the left column of the website.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/paragraphs.htm

=)

**1 topic sentence, 4 or more supporting sentences (details, evidence, etc.), and one conclusion/transitional sentence

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      The mysterious statue
      One day one guy named Chad he buys a garden a really big garden and he built a cemetery it was the most famous cemetery in all America!! It was really clean, preatty, with so many roses that the entire garden smells to roses they have water fountains that taste really freshAnd the only noise you hear Glug ,glug ,glug is the persons drinking water from the fountain .
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      Had no idea what he had started. The statue was a rather eerie figure by day, frozen in a moment of grief and terrible pain. At night, the figure was almost unbelievably creepy; the shroud over its head obscuring the face until you was up close to it. The statue's eyes would glow red at the stroke of midnight, and any living person who returned the statues gaze would instantly be struck blind. It was scary but no one knows that; says the Narrator

      One day they were a group of friends they go at mid-night to play hide and seek no body knows what happens but at the next day we found all the kids beside the statue froze in shock only except one he was alive ! He went to her home and tells his mom what he
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      No body believe him but 1 week later it starts happening really weird things people die and big fires, earthquakes, tornados and hurricanes many things that never happens and all was at mid-night so the people remember the boy and every body believes so they plan to do a protest.

      All the people at midnight go and go for peace in the world they ask to stop and go away from this place. The statue says; ok only if you won I will go and go to another place far away and never come back .But if you lose I will stay here forever and I can do whatever I want! Bargain? And the person scary says; thats right!!

      The warriors were ready VS. The statue, the war starts everybody was in her other sight screaming surd as crazy people, the statue is such a good for the sword , that he can do that sleeping many people die that day but that is a important day and now the world is like know and the statue is in other place . No one knows where he is!! No one cares where he is!!

  • hyolqs pvjne - hyolqs pvjne, Monday, February 2, 2009 at 12:04am

    rzmj gubmolqr vsdoj fbqlk ivkmgw darpgq wbxfhm

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  • Grammatical Corrections in my Essay...? - Erika Mendoza, Wednesday, February 27, 2013 at 4:09pm

    Can you help me check my essay, to see if their are any grammer mistakes or other mistakes.


    Every toddler has their own unique qualities, strengths and needs. Antonio Becerra is a wonderful and intelligent three year old boy; he was born on February 16, 2008. Their so much to say about this child, I spend a whole weekend with him and his family at Antonios house on February 22, 2013. I took the advantage of this visit and observed his strengths, weaknesses, temperament, behavior, conflicts, social interaction with adults and siblings, the attachment he has with his parents, physical motor developments and his language. The reason for doing my observation and assessment report on Antonio was because he is my nephew and we are really close to each other emotionally.
    Antonios mother had a hard pregnancy because he was born premature at seven months and weighted five pounds but had a normal labor. The child had to stay in the hospital for some days to prepare him to be at home healthy with his mother and have a wonderful childhood. Antonio is Hispanic, with brown eyes and has really pretty bright black hair with nice smile. He is a healthy little boy that loves to run and use his bicycle, he has great communication with people he meets and knows. Also, he does not have any behavior challenges; he gets along with children of his age and with adults and is really friendly and polite. For example, he always says good morning, thank you, your welcome or its a pleasure to meet you. But sometimes he has a hard time sharing his toys with other children but his parents are teaching him how to share with his friends. But other than that his temperament is calm, happy, regular in sleeping and eating, good habits, adaptable, and not easily upset. Also, washes his hands before diner, listens to his parents and is loving and caring with others.
    The environment were Antonio lives is a safe and loving place, he lives in a house of two rooms and one restroom. He shares his room with his six year old sister and has his own twin bed. The room is decorated in two part one side is his sisters , decorated with girl stuff and the other side is Antonios side and decorated of Spiderman , has curtains , bed sheets, pillows, stuff animals of spider man, his shoes are under his bed, he has posters of super heroes in the wall. There are blocks, board games, and one television in the room, a PlayStation, music, books, and different kinds of toys. All of these toys are in the floor in colorful boxes for Antonio to get them independently and put them away when hes done playing with them. He also has a big backyard where he plays with his father with a soccer ball, bicycle, skates and basketball. The house of Antonio lives is a great environment for him and has great tools for his social and emotional development
    Antonio has a great social interaction with his parents and siblings. There is a good interaction, communication, expressions, happiness with his father, mother and sister. For example, in the afternoon when they are done eating dinner all the family spends time together and plays together outside or washes a movie, plays a board game. He gets along with his sister and loves to play PlayStation games with her. Additionally, Antonio and the mother are really close to each other and she is likes hugging him and is proud of him when he helps clean his room with rewards or no reward because he likes to help others. His mother is always available for him and responsible to his needs, which creates a secure base for Antonio to then explore the world. When his mother or father leaves or comes back, Antonio reacts normally and knows that they will be back soon. Both parents provide a secure and dependable base for him to explore the outdoors.
    Besides the childs excellent social interactions and attachment with his parents he also has a fantastic physical motor development. He has good control of his hands and fingers to coordinate movements of his entire body as a toddler. Antonio does outdoor activities that help him practice many skills that lead to gross motor. For example, he enjoys running, jumping, throwing and catching a ball, hops, climbing, riding his bicycle, goes to the park every weekend to explore and observe his environment and what is around him. He also loves to imitate what he sees in the outdoors in drawings. Such as, he colors what he played with at the park; he draws a picture of what he liked the most of his day. All these activities are improving his visual, auditory, physical, gross motor, cognitive development and are appropriate for a toddler.
    Antonios speech and language development milestones are really good, he understands words, sounds, knows the names of animals, follows simple requests, such as put the book on the table, sometimes talks a lot, has facial expressions. Also, uses pronouns like me and you and can name body parts, such as arms and legs, favorite toys, and familiar objects. This child is not shy at all he has a great communication system using gestures facial expressions and is always asking questions about everything. Antonio also has good receptive language, his responses and understands good language. For example, understands gender differences, answers simple questions, speaks clearly, tells stories, knows his full name, learns new words quickly, and uses complete sentences of three or four words. Antonio has a proper language development as a toddler and is becoming more independently with his language, physically and emotionally.
    As you can see Antonio Becerra has much good strength as a toddler and is ready to explore and learn new things each day. He is well developed, physically, emotionally, good behavior and has god social interaction with others .With his family support he can be well prepared for kindergarten, preschool and become a great person in the future because parents have the greatest impact on their child development and success. According with my observation notes and pictures I can recommend Antonio to focus a little bit more on reading books because he has many book in his room but does not use them that much and that can also help improve his language skills, learn about new subjects and find helpful information on anything from health problems, protection, science and with the support and love of Antonios parents he can get more involved with books. Every day children learn about life and need support in learning new things and when families are involved in their childrens development, children can demonstrate more positive attitudes and behavior, well want to attend school, complete their chores and more likely become a better person in the future.

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