Essay Revisions Made
posted by Soly on .
How do I make the ending better?
How Much Is Too Much?
Some people say that the United States shouldn’t cut back on its oil dependency, while many others would say the United States should. This debate has going on for years. Currently, the United States imports about sixty percent of the oil that is being used annually, according to the Petroleum Institute (Fact Check: Squaring the President’s Energy Policy with Real Worlds Stats). Oil from the Middle East region accounts for a little more than twenty-four percent of total United States oil imports (Fact Check: Squaring The President’s Energy Policy With Real Worlds Stats). Oil is something that people need on a daily basis used to run cars, airplanes, heating/cooling in homes and electricity. The United States should cut back on its oil dependency because there is no point in getting foreign oil from a country that doesn’t like the United States.
People have said that the United States should reduce its oil dependency because of the effect on the economy with rising oil prices. However, others say that the United States shouldn’t because the economy because is fine as is. In a recent online news article, President George W. Bush said, “Dependence on foreign oil jeopardizes the United States’ ability to grow” (Bush Touts Emerging Technologies, American Competitiveness). If the United States keeps on depending on foreign oil, the chances of growing and becoming an independent country wont get anywhere because the United States never knows when the Middle East will cut ties with the United States.
There is one major problem in having to depend on Middle Eastern oil. Bush said, “Problem is, the United States gets oil from some parts of the world and they simply don’t like us” (Bush Touts Emerging Technologies, American Competitiveness). However, Bush also said, “The more dependent we are on that type of energy, the less likely it will be that we are able to compete and so people can have good paying jobs” (Bush Touts Emerging Technologies, American Competitiveness).
On the other hand, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is calling for the United States to cut “The United States’ dependence on foreign oil by at least fifty percent by the year 2025” (Cutting Oil Dependency). According to Clinton, dependence can be reduced through innovation and efficiency (Cutting Oil Dependency). Clinton is well on her way to helping the United States on cutting back on oil dependency. Clinton said this, “the present system of energy is weakening the national security, hurting the countries pocketbooks, violating the common values, and threatening the children’s future. Right now, instead of national security dictating the United States’ energy policy, the failed energy policy dictates the national security” (Cutting Oil Dependency).
The United States can reduce its oil dependency in many ways. For example, Bush said that he is interested in new technology that advances that produce battery-operated cars and allows people to fuel their vehicles with ethanol, particularly in Farm Belt states; he would also like to see a fresh push for greater development of nuclear energy (Bush Touts Emerging Technologies, American Competitiveness). His idea of having battery-operated cars is a good idea because the United States doesn’t have to worry about where the oil will come from and, better yet, not have to be dependent on Middle Eastern countries for oil.
When will the United States cut back on its oil dependency? It may not be now, but possibly in the future. If the people in the United States keep on depending on oil, prices may rise even higher and the economy will only get weaker. Since the United States depends so much on foreign oil, it’s time to reduce that oil dependency.
1. Make sure you don't repeat obvious words and phrases in the same sentence: "oil dependency" and "United States" are two that I see repeated too frequently.
2. Those double "because" phrases are still there.
3. Is the United States trying to become an independent country?? I thought we already are independent!!
4. In 4th paragraph, "on cutting back on oil dependency" is also repetitive. Follow the suggestion I gave you before.
5. In the last paragraph, "If the people in the United States keep on depending on oil" is not a good statement. We will always depend on oil to some extent. The point of your paper is that we should become self-sufficient and not depend on oil from other countries, right??
1) It appears this is an opinion paper, you seem to be touting yours, then Bush's, then lastly Senator Clinton's opinion.
Was this supposed to be an opinion paper?
2) The use if the term people is a little too indefinite for me. Some people would think it ok, but other people would not. See what I mean? Deleting the indefinite "people" gives a stronger message.
3) The next to last paragraph:
How in the Hxxx (Heck) will battery powered cars reduce energy consuption? The energy still has to be produced, and converting it to DC, storing it in a battery, to finally an electric motor is vastly more inefficent that gasoline motors. How can that be a good idea if the object was to be more energy efficient?
4) Your question: The first two sentences in the last paragraph stink. Stink meaning they say nothing. It is fluff.
The proposition about economy will get weaker....other countries will be in the same boat, so what does weak mean, it is a world problem, not a US problem. We will get weak compared to those who become energy efficient, that is , producing a given energy at the least expenditure of national resources.
So here is what I suggest on the last paragraph.
a) determine the point of your paper, then
b) restate that point. Avoid fluff.
There are a few awkward wordings, you may want a friend to read this paper aloud, and monitor when they stumble on the wording.
The subject is a difficult one, I know, and no one before you has had solutions. Don't be afraid to shy away from it.
What does NC mean when revising an essay?