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August 21, 2014

Homework Help: college essay first question

Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 11:06pm.

this is the question about taking advantage of educacation.

now this paragraph sounds so simple. can you give me examples on how to improve it. and in the bracket, how can i write that in a better way. it sounds confusing


As a high school student for three years and going on my fourth, I have taken advantage of many great opportunities in my education to grow as a person and a student. During the years of my high school, I have taken some Honors and AP classes, which gave me a chance to work more closely with teachers one-on-one [than I did when I took regular classes]. Since AP and Honors classes size are pretty small, I had gotten more help after or before school from my teachers with my work. My teachers really took time out of their busy schedule to make sure every one was on top of it and didnít slack of. Usually, teachers that teach regular classes have so many students all together, they donít have time to talk with each student one at a time, but together as a group. As a person, I have learned to take spare time out of my schedule to give to the community. Helping my community has made me a better person. Itís good to take some time on weekends and get involved in issues and getting to know people in my neighborhood.


Hi. Here are some pointers:

- try not to start a sentence (or especially a paragraph) with "As". Maybe something more like: "I have taken advantage of many opportunities that my high school has offered to help me grow as a student as well as a person."
-"During the years of my high school" might sound better as "During my high school career"
-be careful with plurals: "Since AP and Honors class sizes are small..."
-"gotten" isn't bad, but "received" sounds better
-for "was on top of it and didn't slack of" you should be careful when using vague terminology like "it" and also avoid spelling errors (e.g., "of" should be "off"). Another thing to worry about are contractions. When writing a formal letter like ones for college, try avoiding contractions such as "didn't" and write the whole phrase out.
-this run-on sentence should be revised: "Usually, teachers that teach regular classes have so many students all together, they donÔŅĹt have time to talk with each student one at a time, but together as a group." The previous sentence is not only grammatically incorrect, but it doesn't flow very well. I think it would sound better if it were something closer to: "Teachers who teach regular classes rarely have time to tutor individual students."
-this sentence also needs improvement: "As a person, I have learned to take spare time out of my schedule to give to the community." This makes it sound like the teachers who you were referring to earlier aren't people. You need a lead in for this sentence.
-"give to the community" is too vague. Since you're answering a question regarding education, you should briefly describe how, who, where, what, and how long you've tutored.
Good luck!


I agree on the helping community. That is an important part, but you failed to mention even one specific item. The issue here is what have you done to improve yourself and help others? You whined about teachers taking the time to help you: What have you done to help others? Helping others is a valuable educational opportunity.
Expand on the community service.
This paragraph is much better than the last. Good job.


Once you've rewritten the paragraph, be sure to re-post it for more feedback.

=)

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