Hey writeacher, you asked me to repost my corrections. I have corrected from where you left off and I THINK I have most of the punctuation mistakes but I don't have a knack for spotting wording mistakes although I have tried.
You know when you say change to third person? How would you do that? Could you give me an example?
Here is my essay, could you please tell me if there are anymore mistakes which I have missed out?
Poetry Essay
Chinua Achebe and Ted Hughes, the poets of Vultures and Pike, have both written poems which show ambivalence towards their poem’s subjects, but do their poems have any messages about human and animal nature hidden within the text?
The first thing which strikes me about these poems is their titles; the title “Vultures” makes me think of predators and danger, whereas “Pike” makes me think of fishing and calmness. These titles both contrast with each other, but the actual poems have more of a connection than the titles would first suggest.
Both poems share the theme of darkness and evil. This can be shown in “Vultures” in the line “...with fumes of human roast clinging rebelliously to his hairy nostrils” because when you say roast, you think of Sunday dinner but then when you realise that humans have been cooked, it’s a disgusting thought and quite scary, because you are a human yourself. A similar example can also be found in Pike, “killers from the egg.” This line portrays the pike as evil because in saying that they are killers from the egg means that they were born to be killers and programmed to be killers which is a unnerving thought.
The next thing I notice is the form and structure of the poems. Pike has four lines per stanza, which suggests to me that the poet feels trapped by his feeling of awe and fear for the pike; he is unable to break away from the pattern of four lines per stanza much as he is unable to break away from his feelings for the pike. On the other hand, it could also mean that because the poem has been organized into four lines per stanza with deliberation the poet is trying to show the deliberation the actions of the pike, trying to portray the consciousness and knowingness of the pike, and trying to suggest that the pike knows what it’s doing when it intimidates the poet. The form and structure of Vultures, however, represents free will as the poem was written in free verse, not following a pattern, which may show the free will of the bird and the man; they are responsible for they’re own actions when they eat and burn corpses.
The next thing I notice is the imagery and symbolism within the poems. One line within Pike, which I think not only uses imagery and symbolism but also relates to human and animal nature is this: ”killers from the egg”. I have already explained the fact that they were born that way, unable to help who they are and what they are capable of. That is a scary thought because you are unable to change them but I think that this relates to human and animal nature because it’s saying you can’t help the way that a person/animal was born. When you read this quote you think of an egg cracking open and an evil monster spewing out, which automatically gives you the prejudice that the “monster” is evil. In Vultures there is also an example of imagery and symbolism, “...pick a corner in that charnel house tidy it and coil up there”. When you think of somebody who would clean up a house and then fall asleep in it you would probably think of a housewife, which gives the sentence a homey feel which is positive, but when you put those words together with “charnel-house” it shatters that image because you’re falling in a sleep where bones of dead bodies are stored.
Another message about human nature which Pike puts across can be found in the line, “darkness beneath nights darkness had freed, that rose slowly towards me, watching” because the poet is showing his fear for the pike in it’s purist form. The fact that the author chooses to use the word “darkness” may represent death because the poet has already introduced the idea of darkness and death being the same thing, this can be found in the phrase, “last year’s black leaves”. This suggests that the poet is afraid of the pike because he feels like the pike is hunting him, because the darkness had been freed suggesting that it had escaped and he now feels as though he has lost control of the pike and the situation is now the hunter being hunted.
The vocabulary in the poems also shows ambivalence; in Pike there is something good and bad said about the fish in every stanza. One example of this would be “they dance among the surface of the flies”, which shows two sides to the fish. The word dance makes you think of something nice and romantic but when you hear that they are dancing among flies it obliterates this image; when you think of flies you think of something disgusting: something dead with flies buzzing around its remains. The vocabulary in Vultures also shows ambivalence, such as the phrase, “perched high on the broken bone of a tree”. The words “perched high” makes you think that they’re powerful, surveying the world below them and being in control, but when you hear that they’re on a broken bone of a tree it makes you think of death and also makes you think the vultures are repulsive for sitting on the remains of a once-living creature. However this line could also be reference to the Commander because not only does he work with corpses and death but in saying that the vultures are “perched high” it gives you the image of something that’s in control and powerful, which relates to the Commander as he is in control of the people that work for him. This may be to suggest that the vultures and the Commander are the same.
In conclusion I think that these poems are trying to say many messages about human and animal nature but two of which stand out the most. I think that they are firstly trying to say is that what humans are afraid of the most is not being in control and the thought of being hunted and not being able to do anything about it is a disturbing thought to humans but the most important message it that everything, no matter how evil, is capable of love and you shouldn’t judge them on what they have to do to survive.
From your paper:
This can be shown in “Vultures” in the line “...with fumes of human roast clinging rebelliously to his hairy nostrils” because when you say roast, you think of Sunday dinner but then when you realise that humans have been cooked, it’s a disgusting thought and quite scary, because you are a human yourself.
----------------
In here, you use "you" and its related words. "You" is known as second person. If you use "I" and its related words, then you are using first person. Third person is the use of "he," "she," "it," "they," and all nouns (and their related words).
I'll rephrase the above sentence so there's no use of second person.
-----------------
This can be shown in “Vultures” in the line “...with fumes of human roast clinging rebelliously to his hairy nostrils.” When a reader sees the word "roast," she thinks of Sunday dinner, but then when she realizes that humans have been cooked, she feels disgusted and frightened because she is a human herself.
---------------------
Does that help? I used the pronoun "she," but I could just as easily used "he." Or I could have written "readers" and then the pronouns would be "they" and "them," etc.
So go ahead and find all the other uses of "you" in the paper and make changes. Then repost, OK?
=)
My daily child-sitting duties are about to begin, so if you re-post your essay and don't hear from me right away, don't be worried! I'll get back to you this evening.
=)
OK, I've changed it to 3rd person. The only bit I didn't change was this line:
I have already explained that they were born that way, unable to help who they are and what they are capable of. That is a scary thought because you are unable to change them.
I thought it sounded weird so I kept it as it was.
Does putting things in the third person get you a higher grade and/or make it sound better?
Here's the rest of my essay which I have corrected. I wont be online for another 24 hours as I live in England and it's almost 10 here so you don't need to rush with a reply. I'll repost this as a new subject tomorrow so you can find it but I'm going to keep the link to this topic so I'll be able to find your reply.
Thanks alot for helping me improve. :D
Here's my essay:
Poetry Essay
Chinua Achebe and Ted Hughes, the poets of Vultures and Pike, have both written poems which show ambivalence towards their poem’s subjects, but do their poems have any messages about human and animal nature hidden within the text?
The first thing which strikes me about these poems is their titles; the title “Vultures” makes me think of predators and danger, whereas “Pike” makes me think of fishing and calmness. These titles both contrast with each other, but the actual poems have more of a connection than the titles would first suggest.
Both poems share the theme of darkness and evil. This can be shown in “Vultures” in the line “...with fumes of human roast clinging rebelliously to his hairy nostrils” because when the reader thinks of a roast, they would think of Sunday dinner but then when they realise that humans have been cooked, it’s a disgusting thought and quite scary, because they are a human themselves. A similar example can also be found in Pike, “killers from the egg.” This line portrays the pike as evil because in saying that they are killers from the egg means that they were born to be killers and programmed to be killers which is a unnerving thought.
The next thing I notice is the form and structure of the poems. Pike has four lines per stanza, which suggests to me that the poet feels trapped by his feeling of awe and fear for the pike; he is unable to break away from the pattern of four lines per stanza much as he is unable to break away from his feelings for the pike. On the other hand, it could also mean that because the poem has been organized into four lines per stanza with deliberation the poet is trying to show the deliberation the actions of the pike, trying to portray the consciousness and knowingness of the pike, and trying to suggest that the pike knows what it’s doing when it intimidates the poet. The form and structure of Vultures, however, represents free will as the poem was written in free verse, not following a pattern, which may show the free will of the bird and the man; they are responsible for they’re own actions when they eat and burn corpses.
The next thing I notice is the imagery and symbolism within the poems. One line within Pike, which I think not only uses imagery and symbolism but also relates to human and animal nature is this: ”killers from the egg”. I have already explained that they were born that way, unable to help who they are and what they are capable of. That is a scary thought because you are unable to change them but I think that this relates to human and animal nature because it’s saying you can’t help the way that a person/animal was born. When you read this quote you think of an egg cracking open and an evil monster spewing out, which automatically gives you the prejudice that the “monster” is evil. In Vultures there is also an example of imagery and symbolism, “...pick a corner in that charnel house tidy it and coil up there”. When the reader thinks of somebody who would clean up a house and then fall asleep in it they would probably think of a housewife, which gives the sentence a homey feel which is positive, but when the poet put those words together with “charnel-house” it shatters that image because the vultures falling in a sleep where bones of dead bodies are stored.
Another message about human nature which Pike puts across can be found in the line, “darkness beneath nights darkness had freed, that rose slowly towards me, watching” because the poet is showing his fear for the pike in it’s purist form. The fact that the author chooses to use the word “darkness” may represent death because the poet has already introduced the idea of darkness and death being the same thing, this can be found in the phrase, “last year’s black leaves”. This suggests that the poet is afraid of the pike because he feels like the pike is hunting him, because the darkness had been freed suggesting that it had escaped and he now feels as though he has lost control of the pike and the situation is now the hunter being hunted.
The vocabulary in the poems also shows ambivalence; in Pike there is something good and bad said about the fish in every stanza. One example of this would be “they dance among the surface of the flies”, which shows two sides to the fish. The word dance makes the reader think of something nice and romantic but when they hear that they are dancing among flies it obliterates this image; when they think of flies they think of something disgusting: something dead with flies buzzing around its remains. The vocabulary in Vultures also shows ambivalence, such as the phrase, “perched high on the broken bone of a tree”. The words “perched high” makes the reader think that they’re powerful, surveying the world below them and being in control, but when they hear that they’re on a broken bone of a tree it makes them think of death and also makes them think the vultures are repulsive for sitting on the remains of a once-living creature. However this line could also be reference to the Commander because not only does he work with corpses and death but in saying that the vultures are “perched high” it gives the reader the image of something that’s in control and powerful, which relates to the Commander as he is in control of the people that work for him. This may be to suggest that the vultures and the Commander are the same.
In conclusion I think that these poems are trying to say many messages about human and animal nature but two of which stand out the most. I think that they are firstly trying to say is that what humans are afraid of the most is not being in control and the thought of being hunted and not being able to do anything about it is a disturbing thought to humans but the most important message it that everything, no matter how evil, is capable of love and you shouldn’t judge them on what they have to do to survive.
You wrote:
OK, I've changed it to 3rd person. The only bit I didn't change was this line:
I have already explained that they were born that way, unable to help who they are and what they are capable of. That is a scary thought because we are unable to change them. or "because people are unable ... "
I thought it sounded weird so I kept it as it was. suggested change above
Does putting things in the third person get you a higher grade and/or make it sound better?
Using third person in an academic paper makes it more formal and usually more acceptable to teachers! The use of "you" in everyday speech is one thing -- almost slang -- but you don't want slang in your academic papers.
I'll be working on proofing your essay and will re-post with it in a while.
=)
Poetry Essay
Chinua Achebe and Ted Hughes, the poets of “Vultures” and “Pike,” <~~remember that titles of poems need to be in quotation marks have both written poems which show ambivalence towards their poem’s subjects, but do their poems have any messages about human and animal nature hidden within the text?
The first thing which strikes me about these poems is their titles; the title “Vultures” makes me think of predators and danger, whereas “Pike” makes me think of fishing and calmness. These titles both contrast with each other, but the actual poems have more of a connection than the titles would first suggest.
Both poems share the theme of darkness and evil. This can be shown in “Vultures” in the line “...with fumes of human roast clinging rebelliously to his hairy nostrils” because when the reader thinks of a roast, they would think of Sunday dinner<~~add comma but then when they realise that humans have been cooked, it’s a disgusting thought and quite scary, because they are a<~~delete “a” human themselves. A similar example can also be found in Pike, “killers from the egg.” This line portrays the pike as evil because in saying that it is a killer from the egg the poet implies that pike were born to be killers and programmed to be killers<~~repeated “to be killers” – how can you get rid of the redundancy? which is an unnerving thought.
The next thing I notice is the form and structure of the poems. Pike has four lines per stanza, which suggests to me that the poet feels trapped by his feeling of awe and fear for the pike; he is unable to break away from the pattern of four lines per stanza much as he is unable to break away from his feelings for the pike. On the other hand, it could also mean that because the poem has been organized into four lines per stanza with deliberation<~~add comma the poet is trying to show the deliberate actions of the pike, trying to portray the consciousness and knowingness of the pike, and trying to suggest that the pike knows what it’s doing when it intimidates the poet. The form and structure of “Vultures,” however, represents free will as the poem was written in free verse, not following a pattern; this structure may show the free will of the bird and the man; they are responsible for their own actions when they eat and burn corpses.
The imagery and symbolism within the poems is the next element I paid attention to. One line within “Pike,” which I think not only uses imagery and symbolism but also relates to human and animal nature is this: ”killers from the egg”. I have already explained that they were born that way, unable to help who they are and what they are capable of. That is a scary thought because you<~~?? are unable to change them<~~add comma but I think that this relates to human and animal nature because it’s saying you<~~?? can’t help the way that a person/animal was born. When you<~~?? read this quote<~~add comma you<~~?? think of an egg cracking open and an evil monster spewing out, which automatically gives you<~~?? the prejudice that the “monster” is evil. In “Vultures” there is also an example of imagery and symbolism,<~~change comma to colon “...pick a corner in that charnel house tidy it and coil up there”.<~~period goes before quotation marks When the reader thinks of somebody who would clean up a house and then fall asleep in it<~~add comma they<~~needs to be “he” or “she” – singular to match “reader” would probably think of a housewife, which gives the sentence a homey positive feeling, but when the poet put those words together with “charnel-house” it shatters that image because the vultures are falling in a sleep where bones of dead bodies are stored.
Another message about human nature which Pike puts across can be found in the line, “darkness beneath nights darkness had freed, that rose slowly towards me, watching” because the poet is showing his fear for the pike in it’s purist<~~its purest form. The fact that the author chooses to use the word “darkness” may represent death because the poet has already introduced the idea of darkness and death being the same thing,<~~run-on; break into two sentences here this can be found in the phrase, “last year’s black leaves”.<~~?? This suggests that the poet is afraid of the pike because he feels like<~~delete “like” and insert “as if” the pike is hunting him, because the darkness had been freed suggesting that it had escaped and he now feels as though he has lost control of the pike and the situation is now the hunter being hunted. <~~This last sentence is too long; break it into at least two.
The vocabulary in the poems also shows ambivalence; in “Pike” there is something good and bad said about the fish in every stanza. One example of this would be “they dance among the surface of the flies”,<~~?? which shows two sides to the fish. The word dance makes the reader think of something nice and romantic<~~add comma but when they<~~who are “they”? hear that they are dancing among flies it<~~what is “it”? obliterates this image; when they<~~?? think of flies<~~add comma they<~~?? think of something disgusting: something dead with flies buzzing around its remains. The vocabulary in “Vultures” also shows ambivalence, such as the phrase, “perched high on the broken bone of a tree”. The words “perched high” makes the reader think that they’re<~~who are “they”? powerful, surveying the world below them<~~?? and being in control, but when they<~~?? hear that they’re<~~?? on a broken bone of a tree<~~add comma it makes them<~~?? think of death and also makes them<~~?? think the vultures are repulsive for sitting on the remains of a once-living creature. However this line could also be reference to the Commander because not only does he work with corpses and death but in saying that the vultures are “perched high” it<~~?? gives the reader the image of something that’s in control and powerful, <~~break into two sentences here which relates to the Commander as he is in control of the people that work for him. This may be to suggest that the vultures and the Commander are the same.
In conclusion<~~add comma I think that these poems are trying to send many messages about human and animal nature but<~~comma after “nature” and delete “but” two of which stand out the most. I think that they<~~who are “they”? are firstly<~~no such word as “firstly” so what else can you use here? trying to say is that what humans are afraid of the most is not being in control<~~add comma and the thought of being hunted and not being able to do anything about it is a disturbing thought to humans<~~break into two sentences here but the most important message it that everything, no matter how evil, is capable of love<~~add comma and you<~~?? shouldn’t judge them<~~?? on what they<~~?? have to do to survive.
Let me know if you have any questions.
=)
I've done everything you said. Thanks for helping me and making me realize all the mistakes I make which I never thought about, such as punctuation within speach marks and using unnessessary words. :)